The pacifier: Is it me?

by Jennifer

Last week, my son decided he needed his pacifier. As in, had to have it and sobbed until I got it for him. Here's the catch: this is the kid who threw his bottle across the room at 11 months and never looked back and ate his last bite of baby food at 10 months. He's never really had a favorite must-have stuffed animal and although he loves his handmade blanket (made by his great-grandmother) and even asks for it sometimes, he's okay if it's in the wash and he has to sleep with a substitute. The pacifier had been relegated to sleep times. Cullen would literally pop it out of his mouth hand it over after nap time at day care and as soon as I picked him up out of the crib in the morning.

At first, I thought it was just because his not-quite-there yet molars were bothering him and he wanted some comfort. But since that morning, this has become a regular habit. At home. At day care. He calls for his pacifier (which he calls be-be) and gets progressively upset until he gets it; nothing else will do.

Yesterday, one of the two women who run the family day care Cullen attends asked me if I had any idea what might have caused this sudden change. Then came the words, innocent enough in response to my question of what leads up to the pacifier-begging, that felt like a knife, "If he's frustrated because someone else has a toy he wants or he wants to do something that we don't allow (like climb on the arts-and-crafts table) he gets upset and sometimes starts calling 'momma, momma, momma' and then calls for the pacifier."

I know she was offering this bit of information up as a possible reason--he is 18 months and there are plenty of things he wants to try that he can't figure out or things he's not allowed to do that he thinks he should be allowed to do. He doesn't push or hit or bite or act aggressive to other kids in any way. The rational me says the pacifier comforted him when he was upset and in a bit of pain as his molars came up and rather than take frustration out on others or have a tantrum, he gets upset and seeks the same comfort from the pacifier. It's a stage and as he finds the words to express himself, it will pass.

But, of course, I was practically in tears when I walked out the door. If I weren't in NYC and faced with busy streets full of people on the walk home, I am sure I'd have been sobbing. All I kept thinking was: My son gets upset. He calls for me. I'm not there. And he's reverted to a dependence on the pacifier to make up for me... not... being... there. It's my fault. A good friend talked me back to reality soon after, but as a working mom, those feelings of fault and blame are bound to crop up.

What pushes your blame buttons? And how do you talk yourself back down to a rational and realistic explanation for whatever you've blamed yourself for? 

Comments

[Amy W]

I have definitely been there.

I have heard the halves are harder then the wholes. So 18 months is one of those magic ages where kids go through a lot of transition/changes/growth, you name it.

He knows you will be there for him. He really does.

[Julie]

Oh, I'm so with you! When my son first started day care (at 6 months because I lost my job a month before he was born-- ACK!), we sent a little plastic book with pictures of family in it. The pictures of me and my husband were just soaked at the end of the day because he'd chewed on them all day long. The teachers thought it was really cute, but my heart almost broke...he wanted me and all he had was a picture!! I eventually got over it. =) He's 4 and perfectly happy at his school....but there are still days when he turns his big brown eyes on me and says "Can I have one more hug and kiss til you come back to get me?"...and he almost kills me! =)

[Debbie]

My daughter used to call it a "be-be" too...but my son would never call it that, he calls it a paci. Your post took me back to when my daughter was little...thank you!

Thankfully my sitter has never told me about them crying for me (I'm sure it has happened). The hardest thing I deal with is when my kids need something at home, a lot of times the first thing out of their mouths is "Miss Connie" (their sitter). Even last night my son said "what's that Miss Connie?" I've learned to laugh about it with them, even though it hurts to know that I'm not the main person they see during the week. I wish I had better advice, but right now I'm kind of in a slump about working and not being home with the kids :(

[Rachel]

Ugh, I've been there too. Recently, although it has subsided now, whenever I would go to the home daycare my daughter goes to and pick her up, she would start screaming and crying. She is 15 1/2 months old right now. She would be happy to see me for a milisecond and then freak out. She would reach for her babysitters and slap at me. It killed me. It hurt soooo bad. I never dealt with that with my oldest, I stayed at home with her until she was 18 months or so, but Alyssa has been in childcare since 7 weeks.

I told myself that it was just a phase, but it still really bothered me and my husband just brushed it off which made it worse. She doesn't do that anymore now. I blogged about it and it helped when other would tell me that their child did it too or it's normal.

[Joy]

As a working mom, I remind myself that my children value me, and that's why they need me, call for me and want me. My son is going to be 4 and my daughter 7. Both of them went through this phase and I felt guilty each time. I believe the guilt we experience is that a result of us thinking, that somehow we've failed to provide for our children. Remind yourself that this is not the case, in fact that's just what you're doing, providing for them. You're ensuring that your family lives comfortably and your children have a happy, healthy mother who cherishes them.

[Amy]

I truly understand how you feel, I've been there. I've got two kids, 4 and 1, and the honest truth is that they have always been with a nanny. I took three months off from work after each of them was born, but then went back full time. First nanny was there for 3 years, second nanny has been with us for a year. It's really never been an issue (for the kids), they don't know any different. But, now that my older child is in school, he sometimes asks why I can't take him or pick him up like the other mommies. Understand that my mom or my dad take him, so he has grandma or grandpa, but it's not the same. When he's tired or cranky in the morning when I go to work, I sometimes get "I want you to take me to school today" or "I want you to stay home". It hurts, but my solace is the hope that I don't have to be working full time forever and that one day, I'll be able to just say, "OKAY!" But I understand how you feel. Truly.