Did your mom work when you were growing up?

By Natalie B.

Did your mom work when you were growing up? Mine did. And I always told myself it never really bothered me because my mom worked all my life (still does). But now that I’m a mother, I’m beginning to rethink that. I mean, I did notice that she never was at my soccer games. She never worked the Book and Art Fair, she never volunteered to serve lunch with the rest of my friend’s moms and she certainly never picked me up after school. Come to think of it… I didn’t especially like going to the “before school club” and loathed the “after school club” even more. So I wonder if I’m making the same mistakes. You can’t help but wonder.

I remember a time when my mom received what must have been a “phone tree” call from another classmate’s mom asking her if she would participate in a bake sale. My mom’s response, “I’m not that kind of a mom, sorry” and hung up the phone. She actually said that!

Growing up I never ever thought there was an alternative to working because that was the way I was brought up. Lessons on women and independence ran rampant through our house during the teenage years. Was this right? Was this helpful? I don’t know. And now here I am, a working mom with two young (toddlers!) daughters.

This has to be the single most perplexing question a I ask myself: “Am I missing out on my children’s lives and will they hate me for it?” I don’t hate my mom; on the contrary I couldn’t love her more. However, I do wish she would have made more time for those soccer games. Hmm, I’ll have to remember that if and when my girls take up sports. 

How do you still make time for your children's soccer games and other special events while working? Do you think it's easier to balance the role of working mom than it was for our parent's generation?

Comments

[Erin]

I think things are different now. I work 40-45 hours each week and yet I still have time to help at school. In the beginning, 10 years ago when DS#1 started school, I told his teacher that I could not be on campus, but would help from home. I became "the cut out mom". She sent things home for me to cut out and send back. I helped with "staff appreciation" by putting goodies in the boxes before school, on my way to work. I think you just need to be honest about what you can and cannot do and find your niche. I have been PTO president 3 times (twice as a co. with a mom who could be on campus). I just do what I can and the school appreciates whatever I can do. You should never feel like just because you work, you cannot help. You would be surprised what you can do from home. My sons know that I do what I can and am as involved as I can be. I volunteer for after school dances, etc.

[JKK]

I agree. I also believe that it depends a lot on your employer. I know that my Mom worked for the state government and made our activities a priority - she just took vacation or personal time so that my sister and I didn't feel neglected. She did go on field trips with my class, she was my girl scout leader, and we went on many weekend trips that were outside of her working hours.

I think that working when you have children shouldn't make you feel guilty, if it's something that you have to/ want to do - you just need to teach them the value of priorities and make family the top of that list.

[techie-mommy]

This post could not have come at a better time for me. I work full time at a Big 4. My son is almost 2 and my mother in law watches him all day while I am at work. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have family watching my son, but I can't help feel like I am missing out. I have always had a career mind and always thought I would go to to work after college, but now that I am a mom I feel torn. I sometimes feel robbed of spending time with him and I am jealous my mother in law gets to pamper him all day and I can't. She is very attached to him and I see him beginning to run to her over me. Dropping him off used to be hard on him, but now he runs into her arms without even looking back at me. My mom used to work when I was a baby, but I later lost my mom when I was in the 2nd grade to cancer and my grandmother moved in to help my dad take care of me and my younger sister. I often fear my son will have a stronger bond with his grandmother over me. But then I try to remind myself that even though my mom was not physically there because of her passing and I had an extraordinary grandmother help raise me, I always yearned for that mother-daughter relationship and it didn't take away from my love for my mom. Even though I can't do lots of the things I want to with him, I reassure myself it won't make the relationship with my son any less. I just hope I am right!

[Rachel]

I have a hard time balancing work and family more now than ever. I guess that's mostly because my oldest is in school now so there is homework to do after school as well. I don't have a choice, I have to work. And, unfortunately, in today's economy, I think it's becoming harder and harder to be a stay at home mom. I would love to devote more time to her school activities and to be able to take my 2 year old to the park at 10 am on a Tuesday, but I can't.

My mom worked off and on while my brother and I were young. But, she was lucky and mostly worked part time so she was able to come to softball practices and such.

I don't think it's any easier for us to create a balance than it was for our parents. Perhaps the number of 2 income families has increased and the competitiveness in parents and kid has increased, but I think our parents felt the very same guilt that we do and had the same questions and fears, just in a different set of circumstances.

[Katie]

I think we all feel guilty about something raising our kids no matter our circumstances. My best friend was very career minded, but left work when she had her first. Part of her thinks she should work to show her daughter there are more options and that you can take pride in work AND raising kids.

Personally, now that I have my second son, I know exactly how fast they grow up. Every Monday it's a struggle to drop them off at daycare and head off to start my workday without them. But every Monday I ask myself, "Am I doing the best for my family right now?" Right now the answer is yes.

[Natalie B.]

Very good points. Man - helping with homework!! I haven't even thought of that yet.

Techie Mommie - Ironically my mom told me she experienced the exact same scenario when my older brother was born. She said that she was so jealous of our grandma that she wouldn't even talk to her when she got home but would scoop my brother up and throw him in the stroller and go on a walk.

[ESP]

First - my mom worked from the time I was in 2nd grade until I was in high school. Did I miss her - not really because back then our lives didn't revolve around our parents and our parents lives didn't revolve around us. I remember my dad coming to a few of my basketball games and he drove me to school almost every day of high school.

But my mom always told me not to feel guilty about any decision you make with your kids, because every sane parent makes the best decision with the information they have available at that time. And hindsight is 20-20.

I worked from the time my oldest was 2 and he's now 24. I had great daycare for both my kids (my youngest is now 16). When my daughter was about to take her first steps, the daycare mom scooped her up so that I would be there for those moments.

Do I wish sometimes I was home? Of course but we were able to provide them with a secure home and a great future because of the sacrafices made over the years. What they will remember is not whether you were there but if you made them feel loved. My daughter is now at boarding school (a decision she made) but loves me to come down on a Sunday morning and take her to breakfast. We are closer now than ever. It isn't always about the amount of time you spend but sometimes how you choose to spend that time that you do have.

[RLS]

I'm glad I joined this blog. A lot in common and sometimes I need a network of people who can really relate! I work full time and travel, my husband does the same, so we're a 2 career household. Most of the women in my neighborhood are stay at home Moms. We have relocated several times over the years and my children are well rounded. My 18 year old is preparing to go to college and I am so proud of her. I do not feel as though I've missed anything; we are very close. It is a difficult balance, but I think we manage!