Work It: a blog for Working Moms

Grandparents should relieve stress, not cause it!

by Debbie

Growing up is tough. I’m sure there was a point in all of our lives when we couldn’t wait to be 18 and be able to do whatever we wanted. We couldn’t wait to put the stress of our parents behind us. Then we go to college, and we realize that our parents aren’t as bad as we thought they were. We actually grow really close to them during this time and they actually become our *gulp* friends.

So when I started having kids I was pretty excited. Here I had a pair (because of course I had acquired in-laws) of experienced moms, who were my “friends,” that could offer me a ton of advice. It would be smooth sailing. My mom would come home with us from the hospital and stay and help me learn how to be a mom and teach me all of her wonderful secrets. And all the grandparents would want to play with my kids all the time and try to spend as much time with us as possible.

Only, that’s not how it works. Over the past four years I have realized that grandparents can cause a ton of stress. And I think it’s getting worse each year. Chances are you have to deal with not enough help from them, or too much help from them. Sometimes they don’t really want to spend time with their grandchildren or sometimes they’d rather spend more time with their other grandchildren.  Making sure that time is split evenly between both sets of grandparents, etc. I think dealing with my parents and in-laws is worse now than when I was in high school.

I think grandparents are so important. I think they have the potential to provide tons of wisdom and guidance to their children, as well as be great playmates of the grandchildren. They’ve been their before, they know the ropes. Shouldn’t they have to pass their knowledge down?

Unfortunately there are too many moms and dads out their without the grandparent help, and that is just so sad. Thankfully my parents are wonderful grandparents to my kids. Of course there’s more I wish they would do, but overall they spend a lot of time with the kids and love them to death. What more could I really ask for?

I have started a website  - www.theultimategrandparents.wordpress.com - that is all about grandparents, and how, in the minds of parents, one could be an ideal grandparent. If nothing else, my husband and I want to have it to refer back to when we become grandparents, so that we don’t forget all the little things we can do to make our kids’ lives happier and easier. Feel free to check it out and leave your feedback!

Being a Mom

by Debbie

Being a mom is the greatest position I’ve ever held. It beats being in any position in the workforce by a long shot. Of course this seems weird, because being a mom pays you squat and positions in the workforce can pay you up to lots and lots of dollars. So it’s funny when I think that the rewards of hugs and kisses, and laughs, and baby-talk, and trying so hard to be like mommy, and secrets, and “I love you’s,” and snuggling, and hearing “dat funny” from my son, and hearing “well yeahhh” from my daughter, and doing my daughter’s hair, and watching her put on make-up, and sitting on the floor with my daughter in my lap with my arms around her just rocking, and my son repeating every word I say as he learns to talk are worth so much more than any amount of money a job will ever give me.

Of course most moms think this way, but every once in a while it’s really good for me to sit and really meditate on it…to remind me what’s really important in life. It’s not this huge project I’m working on at work, it’s the huge smiles I get when I walk through the door at the end of the day!

How do you keep stress out of the house?

by Debbie

A huge component to the success of my “working mother” life is often the one that gets most overlooked. My husband. He's my rock. I have no idea how I would survive one day of my life without him…and I really admire all of you single women out there that do it every day.

He (usually) helps with everything from cleaning up dinner and toys to bathing the kids. If I ask him to do something, he does it. He is also a fabulous father to the kids, which also makes me feel good considering as a mom all I want is for my kids to be happy and grow up right. I love the fact that I know they’re getting a positive male role model in their life at all times. I look at all of the fathers that I know and he is by far the most involved and loving father that I have ever met.

However, he works too, often many more hours than I do. And there’s a lot of stress associated with his job. Lately he’s been even more stressed than usual, and he hasn’t been able to leave it at the door; meaning that I can see in his eyes that even when he’s playing trains with our son, he’s thinking about some client’s problem. My kids usually have to say “Daddy” four times before he really hears them and acknowledges them…that’s how I know his mind is off somewhere else thinking about some problem that didn’t get solved that day. And of course this couldn’t come at a worse time…I’m experiencing one of my four super-busy times of the year, so I’m super-stressed as well.

These times make me really realize what a great guy I have…because I see what my life is like “without” him (or with him physically there but not mentally). I see that I take him for granted…a lot.  I see what it’s like to do everything by myself. And I’m working really hard to turn my thinking around from “this isn’t fair, he should be helping me, they’re his kids too!” to “wow, I need to tell him how much I appreciate everything that he does around here because it really is a lot more than I ever thought. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t look at it like he’s helping me…he should be showing me appreciation for everything I do as well…we’re a team.

So now we’re at the point where we realize that we’re both stressed, and we need to figure out how to keep it out of the home. We both exercise regularly, which helps, but not enough. Any suggestions?  What do you do when you and/or your husband/Significant Other have serious stress from work that’s affecting your family?

Who Started the Guilt?

by Debbie

I’ve been wondering a lot lately why moms, especially working moms, feel so much guilt over every little thing. Where does it come from? Who created these expectations of parents that involve shelling out huge amounts of time, money, attention and energy to our little offspring?

I think back to my childhood. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, and by today’s standards, she would have been classified as a neglectful stay-at-home mom. I barely remember seeing her! I had two sisters and lots of neighborhood friends, so we were always off playing while she was…well…reading a book? Watching TV? I honestly have no idea. Did I think she was a bad mom back then? Not at all. She was just like every other mom I knew. Don’t get me wrong, she was at every gymnastics meet, every softball game, every band performance I ever had, but when we were home, it was our time, and she had…her time…I guess.

I think I turned out pretty well – I was never in trouble, I got great grades and always did well at whatever I attempted. So why is this standard of mothering not okay according to today’s standards? Who decided it was inadequate?

Why is it that if my two children are playing happily together I can’t enjoy a magazine without feeling guilty?  Why do I feel guilty for working? My husband doesn’t deal with the working guilt…why do I? Type “mommy guilt” into Google and see how many results you get – over 900,000! I read a bunch of them, and there are some great articles on how to stop the guilt, but no matter how hard I try, it’s still there.

Until society (and by society I mean the “experts” we see on TV all the time, some doctors and psychologists, The people that are constantly in our face telling us the "best" way to parent, etc.) decides that it’s okay for us to go out with friends from time to time, and it’s okay if our kids eat boxed dinners at night, and it’s okay for them to play together without us right next to them, we will never get over the guilt.

What our kids need is love. And hugs and kisses. And support. And discipline. I believe we can give this to our kids whether we are around them 24 hours a day or just a couple hours. And if we all agree on this, maybe, just maybe we can get through to society and change the perception of “the perfect mother.”

And in the meantime…let me at whoever started this guilt-thing…I want to give them a piece of my mind!

Let me know your thoughts…are you able to overcome the guilt (or some of it)? If so, how? Do you think the guilt will ever go away for future mothers or will our children have to deal with it as well?

The after-work routine

By Debbie

I think we may have finally gotten good at the after-work routine. (Hey, it only took 3 ½ years !)

This works really well for our family, so I thought I would share it. I know it will not apply to everyone because everyone's likes/dislikes and family situations are different.

I get home from work around 5:30. My husband picks up the kids (usually) and gets home between 5:30 and 6:00. Once I get home I immediately pull out "The Six O'Clock Scramble: Quick, Healthy, and Delicious Dinner Recipes for Busy Families." (I recently purchased this after hearing about its great reviews). 

Now, on the Sunday before, I had quickly scanned through the book and picked out six recipes that looked good and created my shopping list and bought everything then, so that part was all done. I get to work making dinner. Now this is where people will differ…I love to cook. I think it is extremely relaxing and definitely de-stresses me after a hard day's work. To help me keep my sanity…my husband, after coming home and taking off shoes and hanging up coats, immediately takes the kids down to the play room and tries to keep everyone there until I tell them it's time for dinner.

With these wonderful recipes, the directions are simple and I'm able to come up with some of my own creativity if I want, or just use what they have knowing that it will still be very good. As things are cooking, I'm setting the table, going through mail, etc. Once it's ready (usually by 6:30 or 7:00 because I usually take a little longer prepping things that it’s supposed to take), my husband brings the kids up and we eat dinner as a family. Every night. Now I understand we have small children…no after-school activities, etc., but we have vowed to keep family dinners a part of our lives as much as we possibly can, and right now, we're able to do it every night since we have little ones.

After dinner my husband and I clean up (I'm really working on him taking this part over completely, but it's still a work in progress). The kids head down to play or take baths, depending on how messy our son got while eating. The rest of the night is pretty much play time with the kids. We try not to do any more work than necessary (emptying trash, picking up clothes and toys will have to be done, but that's about it!), and save most of it for the weekends. 

My son goes to bed around 9, and depending on what my husband and I have planned (a lot of times he goes to play football or basketball in the evenings) my daughter will stay up and hang out with me. But if I need some alone time, or if my husband and I would like to watch a movie, she heads to bed around 9 as well.

We have some unique factors in our plan, I understand that…my kids go to the babysitter's asleep, so I don't have to worry about them staying up later and not getting enough sleep. My husband is a wonderful father and I can trust that he is spending good quality time with the kids while I'm getting my relaxation cooking. What we have found is that this routine fits us nicely because it satisfies each of our needs – mine to relax and to provide a healthy meal for my family, and his to just be with the kids without having to worry about anything else.

So what are your routines? Give me some ideas to make mine even better! Share your secrets to success or your need for advice.

A new guilt

By Debbie

I have a new guilt: spending time with my friends. I feel guilty because I only get to see my kids in the evening as it is, so why on earth would I take one of those evenings and spend it with friends of mine as opposed to my kids?

This debate goes on in my head a lot. The first response to it is “of course you need a break...you work hard all week and everyone deserves to have friends." But then I counter back and say "your friends aren’t looking to you to learn how to do things; your friends don’t need you to tuck them in at night; your friends don’t cry for you when they’re scared."

So what am I to do? I don’t spend a lot of time with my friends as it is...a couple of nights a month and maybe a couple of hours on a weekend. The truth is I have lost touch with a lot of my friends that don’t have kids because they don’t understand that my time is limited now. These little things that I'm raising are so important to me that I hate to miss out on any time with them. BUT...I do still need some girl time...with adults.

I’m going to dinner with some friends tonight. I’m feeling very guilty. Am I being selfish? I hope not because I really want to go and hang out with them and have a nice dinner without having to worry about feeding everyone else before I get my food.

The logical part of me knows that my kids will be fine...spending time away from them will not kill them. My husband is with them, so it's not like they’re spending more time at the sitter's. (And what child doesn't love having solo daddy time?)

What about you other working moms? Do you ever feel guilty for doing things for yourself instead of your kids? How do you overcome it?

Christmas will be different this year

By Debbie

This year has absolutely flown by for me. One year ago last September my husband and I decided that we would look for land to build a new house. Space had just become too big of an issue and we knew that we wanted more kids. Well 15 months and hundreds of frustrating hours later we are about to move into our new house. I kept telling the builder that I had to be in by Christmas; I wanted to host Christmas for my family this year.

Christmas is by far my most favorite holiday. I hate winter with a passion...the cold, the snow, everything about it. But when it's December, I forget all about that and I'm the very cheerful person that most of you want to kill as you're stuck in a two-hour line to purchase one of your many presents. So I was elated when they said that we would be in before Christmas (6 days before to be exact). But I also knew that since it was so close to Christmas I would not be able to participate in the normal Christmas traditions that are usually present in our house:  We won't have a Christmas tree until the 24th, there will be no decorations until the 24th, I haven't bought a lot of presents yet because as anyone who buys a house knows...you need all the money in the bank you can get, and of course there have been no cookies or baking of any kind. 

When I think about the absence of these items I get very sad because in my superficial head that's what Christmas is about...the traditions, the rituals. And then I usually snap out of it and remember that first Christmas over 2000 years ago.  There were no traditions, Mary had not planned any part of that night (if she had, do you think Jesus would have been born in a manger?), it all just happened...just like God said it would. 

So now I remind myself how thankful I am to have my new house so that I can keep my Christmas traditions alive with my kids...starting next year.  This year will clearly be a lot more like the first Christmas where we will just see what happens and remember the history of this blessed day.

How tolerant are you?

By Debbie

I definitely think I’m more tolerant of bad behavior from my kids because I don’t get to see them very much (like any working mom). Lately I feel like every time I walk in to the babysitter’s house to pick the kids up, she has something bad to say about my daughter.

Last night, it was the fact that she broken a pair of pretend plastic scissors. It’s hard because I know I have very good kids, and my daughter is definitely not one to do bad things on purpose…I know (and she confirmed after I asked her) that she was trying to get them to open wider so that she could cut more. But you would think after listening to my sitter that she had deliberately broken them.

I also have a very important philosophy that my mom never had with me: I am always on the side of my children. I know that they will screw up and I will deal with those times, but I want my children to always know that they can count on me to stand up for them. My mom was the opposite…if something was wrong at school (even high school) it was never a problem with the teacher, it was a problem with me, and I vowed that I would be the complete opposite with my kids.

I had a hard time because I know my sitter wanted me to deal with this…punishment, apologizing; the whole deal. But I didn’t really think it was as bad of a situation as she was making it out to be.

I talked to my husband about it when I got home and we came to two conclusions:

1.) We know that we are excellent parents and have learned what is important and not important when it comes to the lessons we teach our children, and

2.) we only get to see our kids for a couple of hours each night, and we really don’t want to spend those hours fighting with our daughter over something we didn’t think was a big deal. Now please don’t get me wrong, we discipline the kids and make sure they are learning the lessons we think are important, but like I said earlier, we have REALLY good kids!

Do you ever find yourselves letting things slide because you’d rather keep peace during the few hours per day you get to spend with the kids?

Am I doing the right thing? Yes!

By Debbie

Recently I was driving home from the airport from a two-day conference that I had attended for work. I tuned to a local Christian radio station that was playing a syndicated call-in program with some music. As I was getting closer to home, the host introduced a psychologist that was going to talk about something that had to do with moms working outside the home. (I wasn’t really listening that well…still trying to unwind from my trip.) Anyway, he started his speech off by saying that he believed that working moms had their priorities mixed up (at this point he excluded single moms)…they were working because they wanted bigger houses, better cars, etc. He went on to say that the women need to re-evaluate their thinking and start staying home with their children.

I immediately became furious. As a Christian woman I have done a good amount of research on this very topic, and nowhere in the Bible does God say that moms must stay at home with their children and not work. Of course I had to call in to the show. The call-center screener answered and I told her that I knew she wasn’t going to put me on the air, but that I was very disappointed that they would air such a blatant, false statement.

The lady went on to say that studies have shown that kids in daycare are not learning conflict resolution properly and that it is our job to teach it to them. And that it’s okay if your children are in school or if you work at night. I asked her what the difference was between being in school and daycare and she just kept saying that when they’re young they need to be with their mothers.

Why their mothers?  Why not their fathers?  No one seems to be able to answer that one for me.

It’s hard, because I have a belief of what my job as a mother is to my children, and I’m fully confident that it complies completely with my religion. I know all of you practice different/no religions, and I’m sure you can put yourself in my shoes. I believe that I was given a talent (actually multiple talents, but one that people actually pay me money to do), and I believe that if I just put that on the shelf because I have kids would be disrespectful to both myself and to my God.

The worst part about this is that it raises doubt in my mind. I know I’m doing the right thing for everyone in my family, but as with 99% of all working moms, I have this little bit of doubt that creeps up every once in a while making me think that maybe I should be staying home…for the kids. Thankfully I’ve been able to push that doubt away very quickly when it appears, but I still hate that it keeps popping up at various times from out of nowhere.

A refreshing time

By Debbie

This past weekend we were at the state fair. My daughter loves to ride the rides, and my son had a blast watching her! It was getting late and my son was getting really fussy, so I took him over to a darker area and just walked him in the stroller as he screamed at me. While I was walking, my mom called me, and she asked me if my son was fussy, and if I was crabby because of it (oh how my mom knows me too well!). I told her "yes" to both, and then she told me that she had a proposition for me....they would take the kids for a week. Again, my mom knows me too well! At that time I thought it was the best idea in the world...but now, 24 hours later, I'm not so sure.

Isn't that how it always is? I just can't get over how just a couple minutes away from my little "angels" and I feel so refreshed...I just wish that my head would remember that I really only need a couple of minutes, not a week like I so quickly agreed to. When my son was screaming a week didn't seem long enough, but they hadn't been out the door more than 10 minutes and I would have given anything to hear that screaming again.

What I need to remember is that I need this break, and I will be a better mom when I pick them up in five days...full-nights' sleep, less picking up around the house so more time for myself...I will be completely refreshed. I'm very grateful that I have a wonderful family that is willing to help me get a break when I'm feeling like I might be too worn out and I'm taking it out on my kids.

Now I just have to figure out how to last the next five days without my precious little ones attached to my legs!