Work It: a blog for Working Moms

A playbook for playdates

By Jeni

   1. Mingle:  You may not adopt the dogma of Le Leche or approve the agenda of “Mommy & Me," but you need to mingle with other mothers. These social institutions create an environment where like-minded mothers can socialize. As far as I see it, if you are a mother and the organization is for mothers, that is like-minded enough.

   2. Kick the Tires:  Watch out for the "know it alls." Did she abruptly interrupt the Q & A portion of the childbirth education class to volunteer her experience weaning her 10-year-old son? Was she hypercritical when you mentioned that your 3-week-old daughter was waking in the middle of the night? Especially if you are a new mom (and gaining your motherly confidence), you want to watch for budding bullies and soap-box junkies.

   3.  Pen the Digits: You’ve bumped into her at church, city hall and even your salon. Chances are you have a lot to jaw about if you’re sharing the same god, the same government and the same hair stylist. This isn’t junior high, there are no cliques and no one is going to laugh at you. So go ahead, ask her if she wants to get together for Goldfish crackers and a good cup of Juicy Juice.

   4. Take a Hint:  You met at Gymboree, you exchanged numbers and now you’ve called her three times. It is unlikely that she missed your called, accidentally deleted your number or buried three grandmothers all while you were trying to contact her.

   5. Modest Mothering:  A play-date is precisely that, a date to play, not an opportunity to boost your parenting-self-esteem. Leave your homemade, wheat-germ-fortified cookies and video of your three-year-old’s soccer game at home.

   6. Avoid Parenting Politics: Stay-at-home versus working, breast versus bottle, home versus public school; all of these conversations are heated. Discussing controversial topics could put your relationship on the fast-track to the diaper pail.

   7. Fantasy Friendships: Don’t waste your time investing in a mommy that does not know the name and approximate age of your child. A friendship is built on genuine interest.

   8. No Sex-Talk:  Refrain from discussing your sex-life, or lack thereof, with mommy-friends. It’s rare that mothers want to have sex, let alone talk about the sex. Save sex conversations for your kidless friends. This way they know exactly how children affect one's life when they assert, “parenting can't be that hard."

   9. More Than Mommy: Long before the midnight feedings, contractions and morning sickness, you were an individual with spare time and disposable income. Talk about the types of things you liked to do before the sweatpants and stretch marks. In your past life, she might of enjoyed spending aforementioned spare time and disposable income similarly. Remember your life before your adorable child sucked it out of you.

  10. Be Yourself: Your mother told you this when she was planning YOUR playdates. BE. YOURSELF.  Don’t fill newbie moms up with phony stories. Let your love of Star Wars, your deep desire for knitting and your fascination with Britney Spears flow. It’s the life we lead in-between playdates that makes the most fascinating mommy-talk. 

Difficult Decision

By Jeni

Being a mom means making difficult decisions. Deciding what is best for the family is more overwhelming than the lack of sleep, the lack of dough and the expanding waist line that comes with motherhood.

My daughter, Maizie, is only seven months, and I’ve already encountered more than my fair share of hard-decision making. Most recently, her childcare arrangements are keeping me awake at night.

Maizie is cared for by her paternal grandparents. They live a short 500 feet down the road from us. Their house is located halfway between our house and my husband’s business. (I "lovingly" refer to our close proximately as the commune, and it is ideal excect for when it isn’t - as are all family dynamics.) I work semi-part-time (24 hours in the office, six hours at home). My husband and I overlap our schedules so Maizie only spends 20 hours/week at her grandparents.

Family childcare is wonderful. It typically means that your child is being cared for in a homey environment. Family childcare means that most often your child’s needs are put first. And in some instances, ours for example, family childcare is free. Maizie thrives in her grandparents’ care. She is developing far beyond her milestones and her personality is exuberant.

Here is the dilemma: Maizie’s grandparents are smokers. At first, they only smoked outside when she was in the house. Then they only smoked three rooms away near an exhaust fan.

I blatantly turned the other cheek to this health hazard until Maizie contracted RSV. Her lungs were weakened by the virus and cigarette smoke could pose a threat. Her grandparents understand her condition fully. And they’ve given me their word that the smoking will cease.

I have my doubts. Nicotine addition is powerful, and Wisconsin winters, where we live, are dreadfully blistery. Will they continue to go outside to smoke when it’s ten below?

In an effort to make the best decision for my daughter, I contacted other care providers. In one instance, the best so far, Maizie would be one of three children under the age of one year. (I can barely care for myself, Maizie and our two dogs, let alone two other babies.) Aside for a terrible adult-to-child ratio, I can’t help but think all of the germs swarming an environment like that. And who takes priority; the child that cries the loudest, the longest?

The possibility of secondhand smoke three rooms down the hall under an exhaust fan seems irrelevant when I consider the one-on-one devotion. Still, the less attention and more germs seem the lesser evil with the possibility of smoke irritating her tiny lungs.

This difficult decision is still in deliberation. I can imagine most of America could give me their opinion on this one. Ultimately, I’ll do what is best for Maizie.

We welcome Jennifer Ginter-Lyght as a new "Work It" writer. Read more about her.