Work It: a blog for Working Moms

This year for Mother’s Day…

By Jenny

I really want new perfume, and I’d love a massage. Oh yeah, and I’d love to eat at a big expensive buffet lunch and not feel disgusted by my binge. Plus I want a personal trainer, preferably Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser, and a gym membership.

That’s the short list.

But as we’ve all heard loud and clear, cut backs are the norm now. None of us are spending like we did in 2007 and 2008. And my family is certainly no different, as evidenced by events from the last three months.

So this year, I’m asking for breakfast in bed and a few hours to myself to do whatever I want while my husband manages the household. My gift to myself will be to not feel guilty for that time and to not hurry through it.

I’ve read several articles like this one that refer to research that says women find their husbands sexier when they do things around the house, such as the dishes, taking out the garbage unasked, vacuuming and generally taking over some of the household duties. Just look at this book from Uncommon Goods for further proof! For me, it's in the gift category as well.

I appreciate my husband so much more when he pampers me on Mother’s Day and tells me he values what I do. Not to mention I find him sexy as all get out (proving the research valid). When I hear him toiling away with the kids in the kitchen, each one yelling their demands to him at the same time so that he can't understand either one, I know he’s getting a dose of my daily routine, which makes him all the more appreciative of what I do every day. Knowing he can’t call me in for backup makes it a richer gift.

For me, this is a better Mother's Day gift than anything. There are lots of "things" I want, but I only have one day per year when I get to play the mother card.  

This year I plan to play it BIG.

What are you asking for?

Getting Sucked Under

by Jenny Brooks

My husband and I snuck away for a couple of hours one Sunday, leaving the kids with Grandma. This is a new thing around our house since she’s just moved in with us a few weeks ago.

Besides the grocery store for a few items, we stopped by a bookstore chain. I love bookstores these days because they’re like posh libraries where you can loiter, drink coffee and bend the spines on brand new books, but not have to take them home with you.

It’s such a relaxing notion, but walking into the bookstore I was immediately overwhelmed and far from relaxed. I was overcome with panic.

I knew I only had about half an hour and so much ground to cover in that time. I didn’t know how I was going to get it all done.

To prevent myself from crumbling to the ground in a public tantrum or screaming out loud, I began to mentally set priorities and create an agenda for myself.

I had a goal; I could get it done.

You see, I’m still a working mom. But my recent change in employment  required that we make a massive cost cut and take our kids out of daycare. At the same time, my mom moved in with us, so she became the back-up babysitter. The idea is that I get about three hours four days per week to work.

To make sure I actually get some work done in those few hours each day when my mom is in charge, I have to figure out how to structure a home preschool for the 4year-old and-2-year-old that are now sans daycare.

It may sound a little over the top, but have you ever just let your kids have free play for more than an hour at a time? If you have, then you know they start looking for trouble. So it’s essential they be occupied while I attempt to work and since my mom isn’t that into structure, I have to figure it out for them.  

On the agenda at the bookstore was finding materials that would help me develop a curriculum for my mom to use. Also on the agenda was to enjoy my time away from the house, relax with some books I’d like to thumb through, maybe get a cup o' joe.

I combed through preschool teaching materials, pit stopped at the Twilight books just to moon over them, and then I did manage to look at the books on the bestseller lists.

But that only contributed to the feel of overwhelmed since I wanted to escape into about a dozen different books, learn more about managing money and learn more about social media, all which are lessons to be learned through books at the bookstore. But reading takes time and it’s time I feel like I’m critically short on.

The moment in the bookstore was just a moment. But I find myself experiencing it whenever I try to take on the world. When I feel it, I know it’s a sign I’ve got too much on my plate. But sometimes, it doesn’t seem like there is anyone else to share your portion.

I imagine you understand. You’re working moms. How do you keep the feeling of being overwhelmed from taking you over? 

Working Moms – Don’t Feel Guilty; Feel Good

By Jenny

 The Today Show recently featured two working moms who summarized some very important research regarding kids with stay-at-home moms and those with working moms. In their book, Getting to 50/50: How Working Couples Can Have It All by Sharing It All, Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober share this and other critical information about successfully raising your kids. Hint: it includes sharing responsibility with your partner. 

The study mentioned was released in 2006, but like a lot of things related to motherhood, the full story wasn't shared widely in the media. Thus the reason books like this (and sites like this one!) are such an important part of the community.

The part of the excerpt that stands out to me, the part sticking in my head:
“In 2006, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (known as NICHD, an arm of the National Institutes of Health) wrapped up fifteen years of research on 1,364 kids. The conclusions were unambiguous: Kids with 100 percent maternal care fare no better than kids who spend time in child care. And 'child care' in this study included all types of nonmaternal care, from center-based and family day-care settings to babysitters or nannies. As one summary put it, ‘There is no reason for mothers to feel like they are harming their children if they decide to work.’” Emphasis mine.

I’ve been a working mom for four years, and with the exception of a recent employment change, my children have been in daycare either part-time or full-time their whole lives. And I know in my heart that they are just fine. I see the independence, the social skills and the learning that isn’t from me. I also know that I am a better mother because I am working. It doesn’t mean I don’t have guilt, or that I don’t question my decisions. But that’s why I love this information.

The online excerpt is worth the read because it validates so much of what we already know about the time we would spend with our kids if we were stay-at-home mothers. It also validates the time we spend with our kids now and the difference quality makes over quantity.

Whether you’re a stay-at-home mother or a working mother, you’re a mother either way. And all you can do is be the best mom you can be for your kids. If you like to work, that’s OK. If you don’t mind that your kids are in the care of someone else while you’re working, that’s OK, too. It always was.

Still, having solid research-based information might help you get rid of some of that guilt. Your kids are fine!

Another One Bites the Dust

by Jenny

This week I joined the ranks of the laid off.

Did that sentence just strike fear in your heart that it could be you next, or did you whisper to yourself, 'thank goodness it isn’t me?' Trust me, I spent many weeks counting my blessings that I wasn't part of the waterfall of layoffs, yet here I am.

Part of me wants to paint it as not really a lay off, like it’s something I wanted. There’s a little bit of a shame factor associated with getting laid off. Being the perfectionist that I am, deep down below my logical voice, I blame myself for it. In an irrational way I think I could have prevented it.The reality is that there was no way to prevent it. I’m not in charge of the company, and I can’t change what’s been done in the past. But I did see it coming, so I feel fortunate that I was able to get ready for it before it happened. When actual layoff day came, I spent one day upside down and freaking out, processing that it actually happened. Then, I woke up the next morning and felt extreme excitement about what’s coming next. I had some plans in place and was ready to move forward on them.

I haven’t really known what to say to people about it. My whole identity here in Alabama is tied to my move for the job and the company I was working for. Now that the company is publicly going down the tubes, the questions are inevitable about whether it affects me or not. So, I’ve  told a couple of people/acquaintances as a test. It’s funny how I end up reassuring people that it’s OK.

On day two of unemployment, I was reading my usual blogs and thought this one was a pretty good one. Penelope Trunk who writes a blog with a unique perspective on work and life is one of my must-read blogs, and she offers up some ideas about talking to someone who has been laid off. I think I’m going to start telling people I’m changing jobs instead – makes it so much less awkward.

It’s not all sunshine and roses. There will be a definite tightening of the belt around this household, which is going to be a challenge for a couple of poor money managers. But we know enough to know that one of the first things we have to do is cut expenses. And you know what the ironic thing about all of this is? I’m going to be pulling my kids out of daycare! I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom.

The first week with the kids out of daycare is going to hit me like a ton of bricks, I’m sure. And it’s going to hurt my heart to take them away from their friends and teachers. To make me feel better, my husband assures me they would much rather be home with me than at school. And that makes it that much harder because it flies in the face of all my justifications for daycare as a working mother.

What happens to a working mother when she becomes a stay-at-home mother — out of necessity rather than choice? What do you think?

What 2008 Showed Me

By Jenny

I’d call 2008 a year of growth. Growth in my network. Growth in my perspective. Growth in my physical distance from my friends and family. Growth in my girls. Growth in my career. Growth in my marriage. Growth in my faith in God.
Yep, definitely a year of growth. And I love all of this growth… EXCEPT for the fact that it means I’m getting older. I don’t know why this is such a struggle for me, but it really is. There are many things that are great about getting older. I’m really enjoying the confidence that comes with my age, the experience, the perspective and the exposure to more ideas. I’m loving that I’m finally coming into my own physically, accepting my body and challenging it to be better. My girls are budding beauties who are strong, healthy, vivacious and smart. I love watching them grow and taking part in it every day. But at the back of everything I do is this little ticking clock telling me the wrinkles are growing by the hour (I’m dousing my skin in Retin A) and that my muscles and bones are losing their youthful forgiveness. And let’s not forget the dying brain cells that prevent me from remembering.
All of this is going through my brain when the other day I had a revelation. First, allow me to digress before I spill the revelation:

Parents’ Night Out Comes with Big Message

By Jenny

The other night my husband and I took advantage of our church’s Parents Night Out where you get three practically-free hours of evening childcare and a chance to spend three hours doing whatever it is you need/want/wish.

It was the first time we participated in the program, so we were a little unsure of what to expect. For example, I thought they would feed the kids. My husband thought they needed to eat before. (Neither of us could remember what the email told us.) So they got a last minute, just-in-case dinner of grapes and bagel sticks.

I didn’t know if I was supposed to take pajamas, so the girls wore comfy sleep-possible clothes. (It ended up that no sleep was had, so pajamas would have been overdoing it!)

Obama, Palin, Balance. Oh my!

By Jenny

I watched the SNL skit today. The one with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler satirizing Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, respectively. The premise was a non-partisan plea to the media to discontinue the sexist portrayals/descriptions/positioning of women in the media. It was so good, I had to forward the video on to friends and tell people about it. And then I had to watch it again. I just loved how on point Tina Fey’s impersonation of Sarah Palin was.

As talented as these women are, I loved it mostly because as with any quality satire, it rang true. The impersonations were great, but the subject was even more spot on. When John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his running mate, he put a spotlight on the issues and challenges working women face. I’m sure that wasn’t his goal, but it’s definitely a by-product of his choice.

The thing that stands out the most for me is the discussion of Palin's time spent on the job vs. the time she spends with her kids. Ummm, has anyone asked Barack Obama when the last time was he kissed his kids goodnight? Exactly my point. No, they haven’t. Why isn’t his work’s impact on his family an issue for Barack Obama, but her work’s impact on her family is for Sarah Palin?

As a working mom, I’m sure you can relate. It’s something I deal with every day as a working mom. Whose needs do I put first today? Or this minute? The obvious answer is the kids. But in the real world, their needs don’t always get to come first. Sometimes duty calls and you have to answer to the boss at an awkward time of day, or work late and get the kids late from daycare. Some of you have much bigger challenges, such as large amounts of time spent traveling for work, or long commutes, or demanding work environments that preclude you from being home when you want to be. Heck, you might have family members demanding more from you than your kids get, such as a sick parent.

More to my point though is the fact that I do put my kids’ needs first more often than not. So in an office full of older men, I leave the office well before them so that I can get my kids from daycare at a decent hour, feed them dinner, snuggle with them before bed and see them tucked in safely.

I’m certainly not congratulated for my commitment to my kids. Be sure that my early departure is noticed and that if my career goals included following their same paths and getting their jobs, I would be out of the running for sure.

I think in today’s working world, for the first time we have the ability to structure our lives in a way that satisfies each of us as individuals. There are many women who choose to stay home with their kids and many more who choose to work. Each of us structures our lives so that we can meet the demands of the individuals that depend on us. We have technology to keep us connected and enable us to work from anywhere, even if it’s from home at 10 p.m.

I don’t think this is a challenge for working parents that’s going to go away any time soon. But I have faith that both Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will find their own balance and meet the needs of the individuals that rely upon them, whether it’s as leaders of our country or their respective states.

In the meantime, bring on more Tina Fey as Sarah Palin!

Hating My Reactions

By Jenny

I recently made a HUGE transition. My family and I relocated across the country for jobs. I happened upon a great job opportunity and since my husband was able to make one appear for himself, we decided it was a sign that we needed to move across the country with our two little girls and try something new.

The initial transition was great and everything, including the negotiations and the move, went great. But  we've been in our new location for about two months now, the longer-term impacts of the move are kicking in.

So why the post? Part of this big transition was a return to work in a bigger way. Prior to this job I had managed to secure a part-time, work-from-home job that allowed for tremendous flexibility and juggling of schedules so that my girls were only in daycare three days per week. For some reason, that was the perfect balance for me. I want to work, and I did work more than those three days, but I did it on my time rather than on the girls' time. But with that schedule, I never felt a moment of guilt for their time in daycare.

But with this new job came more time in daycare. I still managed to juggle it so that I only work four days per week and get to be home one day a week with the girls. I pay for it on the other end with late nights and some weekend time spent on work, but it's worth it for the time being.

But since going back to work an additional day and involving my husband in the pick-up and drop-off routine, I'm losing my girls. I swear it. They are slipping away.

It's especially notable with my toddler, aged 19 months, who used to just lose it if I left the room and even her daddy wasn't an acceptable substitute. Now, she'll choose her dad over me and doesn't give a hoot what I'm doing. And my 3 1/2-year-old is totally over me and totally addicted to her dad.

I'm sure it's a normal part of their ages and part of their transitions, but it's killing me. I feel the bond loosening, and I wonder if I've made the right choice. It's a completely self-absorbed issue I'm having, and it's why I hate my reaction to it. I should be happy they are adjusting well to school and that they have their father who they can trust and love as much as me. But instead, I make it a reflection of my job as a mother, telling myself that if I was there with them more, their needs would be met by me. It's silly, but it's how I feel.

Why does being a working mom mean that you have to feel bad? Why does guilt have to be part of the picture?  How is it that none of this affects my husband in the least? I just don't get it. 

Looking for a summer-long reading binge?

By Jenny

 

Discover Diana Gabaldon. My college mentor turned me onto Diana’s books. She described them as time travel with a love story. I thought – WHATEVER! The first book in the series is called Outlander, and I read the first 50 pages about three times. So much for that referral, I thought. But since it came from such a trusted and enthusiastic source, I pressed on. 

One day I pushed past those first 100 pages and discovered the most amazing love story that just continues to evolve and transform over the series. It’s a lot like a real love story in that way.

 

The books are smart, witty, descriptive, and I have read them over and over again. That says a lot considering I’m an avid reader and rarely read books more than once. The bonus is that Diana is pretty interesting too. Once you know her background, it makes the books that much more fascinating. Her writing style is so convincing and indulgent, without being trashy or cheesy.

There are six books in the love story of Jaime and Claire (Outlander, Dragonfly in Amber, Drums of Autumn, Voyager, The Fiery Cross, A Breath of Snow and Ashes), and I am breathlessly anticipating the next one. By the time you get done with all six, the next one should be available. At least I hope so! I’m dying waiting for it. It’s been so long.

At the very least you have a great adventure to fall into those last few minutes before your head hits the pillow at night.

Bless This Mess

by Jenny

I’m crying uncle! I have to call in reinforcements. I can’t keep up. I have two children who have taken over my life and the things I own in my life — such as my house.

I try. I really do. I pick up, I put away, I wipe down, I wash, I pick up, I put away, I fold, I pick up, I put away. And on and on. Right?

Before you have kids, you only have one or two people’s crap to clean up. One person being you and the other your lovable, thoughtful and wonderful husband who can’t seem to figure out that the dishes don’t wash themselves.

That was the case for me anyway. I kept up with my housecleaning for the most part. There was the one time I went on strike just to show my husband what I did that he didn’t notice. How I vacuumed, swept, dusted, did laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cooked, did dishes and so much more. Not begrudgingly because I was doing it for me, too. But sometimes you just want to make sure you’re appreciated.

The strike was highly effective. My work is highly appreciated and now all I have to do is remind him of the days of the strike, and there is no argument about what needs to get done.

But it’s now too much for both of us. With two kids, busy jobs and a desire for some semblance of a social life, we just don’t have the time to keep up with the cleaning like we need to. And we now have two more people’s things to pick up and put away and clean and wash and so on.

So I’ve called in a maid.

I hope she can help. I’m hoping she can give me back my weekends or the one day I have with my girls by myself. I would much rather lay around all day and read books with them, play in the backyard, teach my 3-year-old how to write her letters, than clean up my bathroom and vacuum.

Who wouldn’t? OK, sometimes I do enjoy the escape. But not enough to keep it up!

How do you keep your house clean? Or do you?