Work It: a blog for Working Moms

Looking for a summer-long reading binge?

By Jenny

 

Discover Diana Gabaldon. My college mentor turned me onto Diana’s books. She described them as time travel with a love story. I thought – WHATEVER! The first book in the series is called Outlander, and I read the first 50 pages about three times. So much for that referral, I thought. But since it came from such a trusted and enthusiastic source, I pressed on. 

One day I pushed past those first 100 pages and discovered the most amazing love story that just continues to evolve and transform over the series. It’s a lot like a real love story in that way.

 

The books are smart, witty, descriptive, and I have read them over and over again. That says a lot considering I’m an avid reader and rarely read books more than once. The bonus is that Diana is pretty interesting too. Once you know her background, it makes the books that much more fascinating. Her writing style is so convincing and indulgent, without being trashy or cheesy.

There are six books in the love story of Jaime and Claire (Outlander, Dragonfly in Amber, Drums of Autumn, Voyager, The Fiery Cross, A Breath of Snow and Ashes), and I am breathlessly anticipating the next one. By the time you get done with all six, the next one should be available. At least I hope so! I’m dying waiting for it. It’s been so long.

At the very least you have a great adventure to fall into those last few minutes before your head hits the pillow at night.

Bless This Mess

by Jenny

I’m crying uncle! I have to call in reinforcements. I can’t keep up. I have two children who have taken over my life and the things I own in my life — such as my house.

I try. I really do. I pick up, I put away, I wipe down, I wash, I pick up, I put away, I fold, I pick up, I put away. And on and on. Right?

Before you have kids, you only have one or two people’s crap to clean up. One person being you and the other your lovable, thoughtful and wonderful husband who can’t seem to figure out that the dishes don’t wash themselves.

That was the case for me anyway. I kept up with my housecleaning for the most part. There was the one time I went on strike just to show my husband what I did that he didn’t notice. How I vacuumed, swept, dusted, did laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cooked, did dishes and so much more. Not begrudgingly because I was doing it for me, too. But sometimes you just want to make sure you’re appreciated.

The strike was highly effective. My work is highly appreciated and now all I have to do is remind him of the days of the strike, and there is no argument about what needs to get done.

But it’s now too much for both of us. With two kids, busy jobs and a desire for some semblance of a social life, we just don’t have the time to keep up with the cleaning like we need to. And we now have two more people’s things to pick up and put away and clean and wash and so on.

So I’ve called in a maid.

I hope she can help. I’m hoping she can give me back my weekends or the one day I have with my girls by myself. I would much rather lay around all day and read books with them, play in the backyard, teach my 3-year-old how to write her letters, than clean up my bathroom and vacuum.

Who wouldn’t? OK, sometimes I do enjoy the escape. But not enough to keep it up!

How do you keep your house clean? Or do you?

Spring Pleasures

by Jenny

For her bedtime stories, my daughter and I have been reading from a book of poetry she received as a gift. She's only three, so it's not like there's any deep significance behind our perusal, but she really seems to enjoy the poems. It's made me enjoy them so much more than I ever remember back in high school English class.

In celebration of spring and the blooming bulbs in my yard and all over, I thought I would offer up this lovely poem.

"Daffodils" (1804)

I wantered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretch'd in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

For New Working Moms Everywhere

by Jenny

There was a great comment on this blog a while back about a working mom who was just returning to work and was so happy to find the blog and the voices of other working moms. It reminded me that even as I progress through my journey of motherhood, there are new moms joining the fray every minute, and those women face the same challenges that I faced and eventually faced down.

One of these challenges is learning to be OK with the guilt that comes with returning to work. And whether you go back to work because you have to or because you want to, or if it’s a little of both, there’s still so much guilt.

I remember it was such a battle for me because I was one of the women who wanted to go back to work. For me there was never a question; I just didn’t realize how gutted I would feel about dropping my daughter off at daycare every day. In fact, I can remember how I used to always let people know, “I want to work. I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.” But let’s be honest, even though I wanted to work, it would have been nice to work less, or ease into it, or have a nanny, etc. But as with any areas of our lives where we feel inadequate, I would over-defend my desire and my need to go back to work. It was what I needed to do to stay strong.

There was another woman who was pregnant with me who ended up quitting her job (at another company) at the end of her paltry six weeks of leave. I assumed it was because she couldn’t bear to go back to work while the baby was only six weeks (I feel for those women who have no choice in this matter), but come to find out, she never intended to go back. She’d found a new job being a mom. When I heard she quit her job, I cried. I cried for a lot of reasons: jealousy that she could afford to make this choice; guilt that I was making an inadequate choice for my child; and a little bit of disgust because she was good at what she did, had a big future in her career and was really just giving it up.

But I think jealousy and guilt were much more prevalent. I relay this story because I don’t think a lot of us admit we question our choices or our options. But whenever I feel jealous, I remind myself that somewhere around 65 percent of mothers are working moms, and I’m definitely not alone. And whenever I feel guilty, I remind myself of the feeling of accomplishment I get in juggling it all, the strides I’m making in my career, the satisfaction I derive and how all of this prepares my two girls for the choices they will make in their lives.

For some reason, it’s a sort of one-side-or-the-other issue, and since this is a blog for working moms, let’s celebrate the positives that come with being a working mom. Take a minute and think about or write down all the benefits that come with your being a working mom and what that does for you, your children, your spouse, for women everywhere.

The End of an Era

by Jenny

My second baby just turned a year old. Yeah! It has been the fastest year of my life, and I can’t believe she’s already reached this milestone. It’s such a cliché, but they’re clichés because they ring so true, right?

With this one-year-milestone comes a big change for baby and me. It’s time to discontinue breastfeeding. I have been lucky enough to have a working situation that has supported my efforts to breastfeed for this first year. I work from home and on a part-time basis during the day, making up other hours in the evenings after the kids go to bed. It’s been the key to my ability to breastfeed for the whole first year.

If I was working 40-hour-weeks in an office, I would not have been able to pump to support the milk production. It didn’t work with my first baby, so I can’t imagine it would have changed much for the second baby.

So here I am wrapping up a successful year of breastfeeding, facing the next step – weaning. And it’s killing me. It’s gone so well, and we’re in such a rhythm with it. It’s part of her routine, she knows what she’s going to be getting, and it’s our time together by ourselves. I’m sad to put an end to this era.

Two things specifically are motivating me to wean her. The first is selfish – it will be nice to have my body back and have it return to normal. It’ll be a bummer to lose the extra calorie burning activity. To make up for it, I can go to spinning class since I won’t be the only one who can feed her for bed.

The second motivating factor is her little baby attitude. She knows what she wants, and she’s not shy about expressing that to me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to tell her she can’t nurse when she’s 18 months or 2 years old. If she’s already rebelling and refusing to move on to a cup of milk, what would she do when she starts to figure out she truly has options?

So as with so many other mothering changes, I’m moving in to this stage begrudgingly. Sometimes I think it’s me who has the harder time with change. My kids always adapt to the new way after a couple of weeks. It’s me who mourns what used to be.

And as much as I’m ready to move on from it, I will definitely be mourning the passing of this stage. At least I don’t have to find time to pump in between phone calls and meetings anymore.

I Miss Shopping

by Jenny

I really do, I miss shopping. Before I had kids I didn’t realize how much of a shopper I was.

You know how they say when you become a mom, you also learn how to eat as if you were a vacuum? Fast, on high speed and without chewing? You just suck it right up. You eat as if you might never get another chance because that’s how it feels. You have to fit bites in between your toddler’s questions, cutting food, feeding the baby and so on.

Well, I’ve also noticed I’ve learned how to shop like I’m on borrowed time as well. I speed through sale racks. I don’t linger down aisles filled with non-necessities, where before I could spend hours. I go as if I’m on a mission – whether it’s to the big box discount store, the grocery store or the mall. Usually I have the kids so I have to be fast before one of them loses all control. And if I don’t have the kids, I feel guilty for even taking a luxurious second to myself. Sometimes I steal away from work, but only so much shopping can get done in the equivalent of a lunch hour.

So on this road of becoming a new person, a shadow of my former self, a mom, I’m missing that time where I could test makeup, try on clothes and actually buy a pair of shoes that weren’t for comfort but for style.

Yes, I can do it occasionally, but I miss doing it whenever I want. And online shopping just doesn’t cut it. It’s missing the tangible, sensory aspect. In fact, this whole issue hit me when I was shopping on Sephora.com. I’m sorry, but I just can’t shop for new makeup online. I have to see those colors in person and on my skin. I want to smell those tubes of lipstick and lip gloss. I have to feel the weight of the compacts in my hands to know which one suits me. See, I told you I miss shopping.

I wish I could say the good news is I’m saving a ton of money nowadays. But I manage to find ways to spend it. I guess that’s one reason to work in this crazy life — to spend the money I make!

A Little Help

by Jenny

As a working mom, exhaustion is always looming there in the foreground, waiting to just come and take you away. Between pleasing everyone in your house and everyone in your working world, you have a lot of “on” time. But there are times when you don’t have to do it all. Sometimes you have to ask for the help you have right in front of (or next to) you.

Usually I love giving my girls their nightly bath. Even though it usually involves constant refereeing and a few uses of a firm “no” to get the 10-month-old not to stand up, it’s usually good quality time. Plus I always feel like I’ve accomplished something when my kids are bathed!

But last night, I just wasn’t interested. My house looked like a tornado hit it, and I needed to clean up the kitchen. So I asked my husband to take over bath duty so I could clean up a few things.

I don’t know why it’s always me who gives the bath. Probably because it’s something I feel is in my control and can get done without too much hassle. And since I prefer they have a bath most nights (part of the nighttime routine, gets the daycare grub off of them, etc.), it’s left to me to make it happen.

This night my husband reluctantly agreed to give the bath. It’s not like he isn’t the best husband ever – because he is. He never makes light of all the things I do for him and the girls, and he is most appreciative. And I really do have a partner in this life. And when it comes to chores, kids, life in general, he’ll do anything I ask. But that’s just it. It’s just a pain to always have to ask. It’s part of that “on” time. I’m always the one thinking of everything that needs to get done and it gets tiring. It feels like my brain is constantly in motion and there is not enough time to do all of the things I think of.

So I have to admit, I got some secret pleasure hearing him dealing with the girls and their bath. I could hear him issue the firm “no” and the reminders to the 3-year-old to stop splashing around so that she wouldn’t spill her sister over. I could hear the frustration and annoyance in his voice, and I enjoyed it. I’m sick, I know. But at least I asked for help and got it. And I got the dishes done so I was ahead of the game for once. Until my brain started going again.

Keeping the Guilt at Bay

by Jenny

I’ve taken two business trips in the last two weeks. Each time I was gone for at least three nights. When I got back the first time, my almost-three-year-old started acting different. She was extra whiny, said things like, “I want you, mom,” “Are you going on a trip?” and “I want daddy,” things that just weren’t part of her regular demeanor. So getting ready for my second trip made me a little nervous because no matter what assurances I’d offered the last week and a half, now I was off again, negating all that I had promised.

We working moms have the market cornered on guilt, don’t we? So usually I can muster up a good bit of guilt in situations like this. But the funny thing is, I didn’t feel guilty. Not this time. I can’t put my finger on why, but the first thought that comes to mind, is, that’s just life.

I’m going to go on business trips and there are going to be times when I can’t be home. My children should be able to function and thrive without me for three days. If they can, it’s a good sign that I’m doing a good job fostering independence and trust.

A good business trip now and then, a girls’ weekend away or even a romantic getaway is good for all involved. It gets moms out of the trenches, offers a chance to get some perspective and to appreciate your children and your partner. On the flip side, it offers your children and partner some perspective. They can appreciate the invisible things you do for them on a daily basis and remember not to take you for granted.

But then again, my almost-nine-month-old is inches from crawling and it’s likely I’m going to miss those first moves. Oh no, here comes the guilt…