Work It: a blog for Working Moms

Precious moments

By Stephanie G.

Working for the family business, I have been blessed to be able to bring my children to work with me. It has its share of ups and downs.  For the past three years, my daughter has always been by my side. We played together, worked together, fought together, and did almost everything together. After the birth of my son, he joined us in coming along everywhere we went. At work, it was so much harder for me to concentrate having both of them at my side. My husband and I decided it was best to have someone watch the kids while I worked.

I've never felt so focused at work. I actually get to concentrate and finish my tasks quicker and easier. I am a more efficient worker. But, I must admit, it takes a lot of getting used to, because I have been their primary care-giver since birth. Even though it was not an easy thing to do, they are my children and I love them. I felt it was my duty to always be with them. Before I would never have even thought twice about having another care for my kids. It just wasn't me. At least that's how I felt when it was only me and my daughter. Now with two children, it's more difficult. I admit, I do need help. I'm grateful to have my sister- in-law come to my rescue. I know my children are safe with her and are being cared for. 

Our office has never been so quiet in such a long time. I do miss my son swinging by my side just watching me and my daughter running through the offices screaming. Now I value the time we spend together even more. These are such precious moments.  So even though I do miss them like crazy, I know this is what works best for us for the mean time.

Has anybody ever gone through the same situation, where there's nothing else to do but ask for help?

The angst of a great job change

By Jennifer

So. I got a new job! Ok. Not just a new job. A really-great-perfect-for-me-career-goals type job. I wasn't really looking. I'm just shy of a year at the job I have (the guilt involved in that is more substantial than I thought, but that's another story). I've got some pretty good work-life balance. I can go home at a decent time, leave early when I need to, finish work after my son goes to bed, etc. The people I work with now are nice people. But the job itself just didn't turn out to be what it was supposed to be and ultimately, it's not a good fit. The new job, well, I was so excited about it before the interview that I woke up in the middle of the night with ideas, and I got up to jot them down. The pay is better and the room for advancement is significantly better. The new boss has so many fans that he should have his own club! The work is going to be challenging and rewarding.

So why the angst? It all boils down to 15 minutes, times two. My commute will be 15 minutes longer (it's a 30-minute commute now). That, plus the whole new job thing, means leaving to get my son more than one day a week is gonna be tough--at least for a while, until I get settled in. My husband usually does the day care pick up, but the occasional meeting or need to stay late means I do pick up at least once--and usually twice--a week. Even if I leave work at the same time on other days, I'll be home 15 or 20 minutes later. That means my husband will need to fully prepare dinner two or three nights a week. Right now, he gets dinner started once a week and I usually rush something together or use one of my pre-prepared meals (see my other post on that lifesaver) two nights a week. We scrounge one night and Friday is pizza night. This scenario literally made me hesitate when making the decision to change jobs--more than anything else. I could see the panic in my husband's eyes when I did my very best to be as clear as possible about what his added responsibility would be if I took the job.

Then, there's the morning routine. We'll need to leave 15 minutes earlier for day care. But mornings are my time with my son. We eat breakfast together, watch Elmo, pick out clothes for the day, take our time brushing our teeth together, play with toys, sometimes take the dog for a walk together (if my son wakes up earlier than usual). It takes us a while to get ready, but that's because we take our time. It's a little hectic, but I love and cherish that time. With the new job, I'll have to speed up the morning routine and live with the fact that my son will be in daycare 15 minutes longer every day. Of course, it's more my own selfish enjoyment of our mornings... and their coming shortness... that has me bummed. On the other end of the day, 15 minutes means scooting in the door just as dinner is ready and lowing the option of a quick jaunt outside with my son and the dog before bath time.

So, what to do? Since my husband's job does require a few evening functions a month, we've thought about trying to hire a sitter two nights a week for 1.5 to 2 hours to pick our son up from day care and bring him home and start dinner; one or both of us would be home 30 to 45 minutes after he and the sitter arrived home. Does that sound as insane as I think it sounds? It would relieve a little pressure for both my husband and for me.

This new job is really about as perfect for me as they come. And even though we weighed the personal pros-and-cons as a family, taking the job was never really in doubt. I am one of those crazy people who does best when busy. The busier I am, the more challenging my work, the better I perform, at work and at home. My current job has turned out not to be that challenging and not that busy. When this mom is happy at work, she's really happy at home. The new job has a lot of potential for me and for our family. And I'm really excited about it. I mean, really excited. And yet, I also feel incredible guilt. Who knew 15 minutes would make for 30 pounds of guilt?

Have you ever changed jobs or hours in a way that affected your family? How did you deal with it--and the guilt?   

More information about Jobs and Moms.

In the news... preschool or boot camp?

by Jennifer

My husband and I have been going back and forth about preschool next year for our son. He'll be two in October and I'm not so sure I want to send him to an organized program next fall. He's learning a lot at his family day care and he's so happy. He says all his ABCs, counts to 12, knows a bunch of colors and can name dozens of animals, speaks English and Spanish, speaks in short sentences more and more, and he learns the words to songs better than I do. So what does he need preschool for? Yet, I ponder it.

Let me start by saying that in NYC, the preschool craze is ridiculous. No. It's insane, ridiculous, crazy... all of it. People regularly spend $15,000 to $25,000 (plus required donations) to send their kids to prestigours preschools (even a particular YMCA school is in that category). I mean, hello...it ain't Harvard. And they're only 3-years old! I'm not playing on that field. No way. Frankly, I'd be happy to wait until he's nearly 4 and send him to universal pre-k. My husband essentially agrees. But it's hard not to think about it when people around you are obsessed. I feel like he's already learning so much, perhaps in a more passive way.

That's why this article, Should preschools teach all work and no play, really hit me...

from the article...
Rebecca Marcon, a developmental psychologist and education researcher at the University of North Florida in Jacksonville, agrees. In 1999, Marcon published a study in the journal Developmental Psychology that looked at 721 4-year-olds selected from three different preschool models: play based, academic (adult directed) and middle of the road (programs that did not follow either philosophy). Marcon followed the children’s language, self-help, social, motor and adaptive development along with basic skills.

“What we found in our research then and in ongoing studies is that children who were in a [play-based] preschool program showed stronger academic performance in all subject areas measured compared to children who had been in more academically focused or more middle-of-the-road programs,” says Marcon.

According to Marcon and other researchers, children who are subjected to overly academic environments early on have more behavior problems later and are less likely to be enthusiastic, creative learners and thinkers.

“You will frequently get short-term gains with a highly academic approach (in preschool), but they come with long-term consequences,” says Marcon. “A lot of early childhood studies only follow children to third grade. But when you take it into fourth grade and beyond that’s where you see the big difference. That’s when children have to be more independent and think.”

and later in the article, the head of Stanford University's school of education says:

Play versus academics is a false dichotomy, she says. “The idea is that at the preschool age, all learning should be fun. Adults should be intentional about the teaching, but it should be embedded in everyday life and fun activities.”

Frankly, that's kind of what I feel my son's life is like now. His daycare caregivers taught him his colors and numbers, repeated playing of the alphabet song and my goofy antics helped with the letters, etc. Learning is a part of his fun, it just happens in his day. He's plenty socialized at day care, too. And really, can't he wait until he's 4 to sit still and have his first significant exposure to the structured learning he'll be a part of for all of his young life?

What do you think about preschool and its purpose and place in a toddler's life? Do you think it's a must? Optional? Should it be academic? Playful? Is there preschool pressure where you live?  And if so, how do you deflect it if you're the odd-mom-out?

 

Thank You, Teacher

By Terry M.

In a few weeks my 4 year old daughter will be moving to a new pre-K class within her daycare. This means that she will be leaving her beloved Ms Joe-Ann. 

Ms Joe-Ann has been her teacher for over a year and has forged a strong bond with my daughter. Ms. Joe-Ann is the first person that my daughter runs to when she walks through the school doors and the first to see or hear about my daughter's newest toys or clothes.

There are many other wonderful reasons to love her. Not only is she my daughter’s friend but she has taught her so many amazing things. She has taught her word recognition, writing her name and other words, counting skills and how to appreciate others. Ms. Joe-Ann is always smiling and laughing. I often wonder if she has stressful days. She must…after all she does work in a day care center.

One day when my daughter and I were walking in the mall we saw Ms. Joe-Ann at Macy's. We realized that she works there on the weekend. She must work there because a day care workers salary is often not enough.  At the time I felt so bad so whenever there is an occasion of any kind (Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Day) I often go overboard for her with gifts just hoping I can bring some happiness to her life just like she has to my daughter’s life.

But how can you possibly repay someone who has meant so much?  I often gripe about the high cost of daycare while in the middle of my monthly budget but when I sit back and see the kind of positive influence that Ms. Joe-Ann has had on my little one, it seems all worth it.

Now that we are leaving this class I find myself trying to come up with something adequate that I can do for Ms. Joe-Ann.

I want to buy her a gift, but what?  How can I say thanks for the many things she has done?  If you all have any suggestions I would be most grateful.

Independence Day

by Coletta

Today, in preparation for our nation's birthday I did one of the most patriotic things ever -- I registered to vote in my town! During the last major election I was nine months pregnant and I had just moved to a new state so I voted absentee. I hadn't gotten around to registering in Maryland until today. I am now prepared to do my duty as a proud U.S. citizen.

Actually, I had not planned on registering to vote today; the registration center is located next door to a pre-school where I'm considering enrolling my son. I toured it for the first time today and I loved it! I'm so happy and relieved to find the right fit for my son and for my family. As of August 27, my son will be cared for full time (he currently is being watched on a part-time basis).  I really feel like this is my independence day. When my son starts going to school in the fall, I will have a little more 'me' time, to run errands, volunteer or maybe start a few projects or another part-time job. The promise of more freedom makes me giddy with anticipation, and finding the right school (and the right school ONLY) is such a big part of that.  I don't want to give up time with my son unless it benefits him and I really feel like this school will give him everything I want him to have.

Of course, with my independence from my son, inevitably comes his freedom from me, and that is such a bittersweet feeling. I'm so nervous about letting him go, letting him grow up, letting him have outside influences but, today, I'm willing to give him a little liberty.

Working moms in the third world

by Penny

I just came back from a two-week trip to Bolivia. It was a work trip, and required me to be completely detached from the rest of the world for most of that time. That meant no TV, no phone, no computer, no electricity, no showers, no nothing. This was not this first time I have been so far removed from home and family since I became a mom, but it was by far the most difficult time I’ve had being away. The worst part was the nightmares…and not being able to call home to be sure they were just dreams. I was so relieved upon my return a place with a computer and internet access, to find ordinary, nonchalant messages from my husband. Whew! Nothing had happened and I could sleep again!

But I’m not writing this about traveling abroad and missing my husband and son. We all, as working moms, have to deal with that at some point. Instead, I’d like to reflect on the bigger picture.

It’s easy for us living here in the ‘first world’ to point fingers and tout how our method of child-rearing is far-and-above better than someone else’s because we (insert one):

1) choose to continue to work

2) choose to be stay-at-home parents

3) choose to home school

4) choose to have a nanny

5) choose to utilize a local daycare

6) choose to divorce our spouses, in the interest of our children

7) choose to remain married, in the interest of our children

8) etc, etc.

It goes on and on.

It only takes one day in a third world country, like Bolivia, to realize how petty these “Mommy Wars” really are. Even in the most prosperous of Bolivian cities, like La Paz or Potosi, children work with their mothers, either passively riding on Mommy’s back, or actively trying to make some money polishing shoes. There is no choice for the mother or the child. You work to survive. You do what you have to do.

Where’s the Daddy? He’s working too, sometimes being away from his family for days or weeks. Yet, these are some of the most beautiful and happy people I have ever met. Mothers and their babies are stunning (and always grateful for a ride if it’s offered). The older children – the ones who go to school – are curious, inquisitive, well-adjusted, and happy.

All this tells me one simple thing: it’s not about how you raise your children; it’s about how you LOVE your children.

Now, can’t we all just get on with our lives?

Thank you to the teachers

By Laura W.

Last week was "Teachers Appreciation Week." Both the school my son goes to and my daughter’s daycare had posted lists of gifts to bring to the teachers every day: cards, chocolates, flowers, food for their lunch, etc. I know some parents got annoyed that the teachers demanded to be appreciated, but honestly, how many times do we tell them what a great job they do?

The daycare teachers in particular get a bum rap. Some people don’t even consider them "teachers." To me, they are more than teachers: they are mothers and aunts and friends. While I may complain about changing diapers on one kid a day, these women change eight or ten kids, every day. They have to deal with the runny noses, and the spit-ups, and the vomit, and all the smelly things that come out of babies. They encourage the babies to learn how to sit up, and crawl, and then walk. They make the cute cards we get for Mother’s Day. They toilet train, and then clean up after the kids have accidents. They get bitten, hit, scratched, and then have to deal with angry parents, who cannot believe their little angels are capable of that behavior. They kiss the boo-boos, mediate the conflicts over the legos, and constantly remind everybody to keep their hands to themselves.

The daycare teachers watch our children from birth to school, and what do they get in return? Poor pay, no benefits, and the wrath of the parents when things don’t go like they want. No wonder daycares have such high turnover rates!

The daycare my daughter goes to is not the most prestigious. It doesn’t have all the accreditations, and hasn’t gotten any awards. What it does have are teachers that are caring and warm. My daughter gets spoiled with all the attention, and hugs and kisses. She seems happy there, and that makes me happy, because I can come to work comforted in the knowledge that she is safe there. One week out of 52 is not enough to tell the teachers how grateful I am for their efforts. I try to do something for them every holiday. And it doesn’t have to cost too much money: a hand lotion from the dollar store and a pretty card can mean so much.

So today I want to say thank you to all the daycare teachers out there. Your work means so much to all us working mothers. I consider you more than just a teacher: to me, you’re a partner and a friend.

Laura Whitlock is a new "Work It" writer. Welcome, Laura!

The pacifier: Is it me?

by Jennifer

Last week, my son decided he needed his pacifier. As in, had to have it and sobbed until I got it for him. Here's the catch: this is the kid who threw his bottle across the room at 11 months and never looked back and ate his last bite of baby food at 10 months. He's never really had a favorite must-have stuffed animal and although he loves his handmade blanket (made by his great-grandmother) and even asks for it sometimes, he's okay if it's in the wash and he has to sleep with a substitute. The pacifier had been relegated to sleep times. Cullen would literally pop it out of his mouth hand it over after nap time at day care and as soon as I picked him up out of the crib in the morning.

At first, I thought it was just because his not-quite-there yet molars were bothering him and he wanted some comfort. But since that morning, this has become a regular habit. At home. At day care. He calls for his pacifier (which he calls be-be) and gets progressively upset until he gets it; nothing else will do.

Yesterday, one of the two women who run the family day care Cullen attends asked me if I had any idea what might have caused this sudden change. Then came the words, innocent enough in response to my question of what leads up to the pacifier-begging, that felt like a knife, "If he's frustrated because someone else has a toy he wants or he wants to do something that we don't allow (like climb on the arts-and-crafts table) he gets upset and sometimes starts calling 'momma, momma, momma' and then calls for the pacifier."

I know she was offering this bit of information up as a possible reason--he is 18 months and there are plenty of things he wants to try that he can't figure out or things he's not allowed to do that he thinks he should be allowed to do. He doesn't push or hit or bite or act aggressive to other kids in any way. The rational me says the pacifier comforted him when he was upset and in a bit of pain as his molars came up and rather than take frustration out on others or have a tantrum, he gets upset and seeks the same comfort from the pacifier. It's a stage and as he finds the words to express himself, it will pass.

But, of course, I was practically in tears when I walked out the door. If I weren't in NYC and faced with busy streets full of people on the walk home, I am sure I'd have been sobbing. All I kept thinking was: My son gets upset. He calls for me. I'm not there. And he's reverted to a dependence on the pacifier to make up for me... not... being... there. It's my fault. A good friend talked me back to reality soon after, but as a working mom, those feelings of fault and blame are bound to crop up.

What pushes your blame buttons? And how do you talk yourself back down to a rational and realistic explanation for whatever you've blamed yourself for? 

"We Can Do Better"

By Amy W.

I recently read an article about a new nationwide survey that came out about childcare centers. The National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies reviewed policies and regulations relating to child care centers for all the states, the District of Columbia, and the Defense Department. Some of the criteria included the workload for center inspectors, the frequency of inspections, staff qualifications and activities offered to children. There are actual eight states that do not even require annual inspections of child care centers. There are also 21 states that have no minimum educational requirement for child care teachers. (You can see all the details of the report We Can Do Better here.)

There are approximately 12 million children in childcare each week. I know as a parent who has children in daycare, the facility and how it's run is very important to me. This report only solidifies one thing for me -- we can't rely on the states to monitor the conditions and requirements for the child centers our children are in. 

My children go to a Primrose school. We picked this facility in part because of its accreditations and requirements for the teachers. All Primrose schools have multiple educational accreditations. Our particular Primrose requires all teachers to have at least an early childhood education certificate (or be working towards it). The state of North Carolina has a star rating and rates each childcare center annually, but does not have these requirements of childcare centers. 

My point is that it is our jobs as parents to make sure the facilities are up to par. Check your specific state for its requirements. If you are looking for a childcare center, talk to other parents, review the centers policies and visit it to see the interaction between teachers and children. The report from the NACCRRA will only help push those states that are falling behind to try and catch up.  And that could take years... 

What do you look for in a childcare facility? How do you research childcare facilities?

When the Kids Are Sick

By Amy W.

 

Earlier this month, I had a 3-year-old with pneumonia and an almost 1-year-old with a double ear infection and RSV. Both were out of daycare for an entire week. Juggling sick kids is something I just have to deal with as a working mom. But the week my kids were sick was a horrible week to be absent from work for both my husband and me.

We shared a couple of days at home and then desperation hit. For starters, we were exhausted. Neither child was sleeping at night. Getting the 3-year-old to take her medicine was a mental challenge each and every time. By the time I spoke to my mom on Wednesday of that week, she knew she had to come help. So took leave from her job, drove three hours from Virginia to North Carolina, and kept two sick kids at home for two days. She even got up at night with them. We don’t know what we would have done without her.

 

Which got me thinking, what do others Moms do that don’t have family that can come to the rescue and have to work? One option would be (if their employer allowed it) to take the sick kids to work. My husband has done this on one occasion with my 3-year-old. He was in the office for a brief amount of time. She had a cold and a slight fever. But what about the kids who are much sicker? I would not want to drag them to an office all day.

 

Another option is the daycare centers that actually allow sick children. A quick search of the Internet found that there are about 300 of these centers across the U.S., and most are connected to hospitals. They staff nurses that take temperatures and let the kids do quiet activities. I work for a health system, and we don’t have one of these centers.

 

A third option is having back-up childcare, such as a neighbor or friend that is willing to take the kids when they are sick. That person would have to be willing to take a child on short notice and clear their schedule as well.

 

I know there are single moms out there with no options available to them. My heart goes out to them. For me, I am lucky enough to have an employer who understands families and a husband with a flexible work schedule.

 

What do you do when you have sick kids at home?