Work It: a blog for Working Moms

Two jobs, a dog, a child--and ADD

by Jennifer

Oh boy... a week or so ago I wrote about those times when it all just feels like too much. What I didn't reveal then is that after years of believing my husband had a serious case of ADD, I'd finally approached him about it in early May. He was receptive to the idea, did his own research on the subject, told me thought he should be evaluated... and then a downward spiral that led to my last post. I had literally had it up to my eyeballs--and beyond--and my husband saw the click... you know the one... the flip of that internal switch where you've officially checked out. It comes right after the very last, last straw. It's the flip of the switch that isn't always reversed. It was then, when I was seriously contemplating walking out the door--and he saw that it wasn't a threat--that he asked for my help and got moving on the ADD evaluation.

What I didn't know until then: he was starting to have trouble focusing at work, not just  at home. At work, he's always been able to hyper-focus and hone in on details so clearly that he has become a star player. I discovered, too, that for work stuff, to keep on track, he keeps extremely detailed organizational reminders in a small notebook. At home, though, he is  all over the place. There's no home notebook. He gets up and walk around while I am speaking to him, doesn't concentrate on much (except baseball games), is quick to get frustrated and--the piece that finally drove me to broach the subject--is not very able to tune in to our son. I hear our son call out "daddy" four or five times--and my husband is a foot away (seriously) and it doesn't register. Or, our son will be looking through books, trying to figure out what things are and my husband cannot not sit for even a minute (honestly) to tell him the names of the animals before he moves to another toy and tries to lure our son over. I rarely get the feeling that he's "present." These are just some examples.

So, this week, my husband went to his not-covered-by-insurance $375 ADD expert evaluation. And as anyone who knows him more than casually would have already guessed--he scores fairly high to off-the-charts on the ADD screening questions. Yes, he has ADD. And now he also has a prescription in hand. I know people feel strongly about medication--some pro and some con--but I have to be honest, I've hung my hopes on the pills working enough for my husband to be present at home.

Here's why: First off, for our son's sake. My husband is very loving and he's a caring father, but even he knows that he's out of tune with our son. I want to see their relationship change. The rest of my reasons are very selfish. For one, my husband gets social cues at work, but at home and with his family, he's totally clueless (a big ADD symptom, I've learned). Body language? He can't read it well. Crying wife? I might just be missing my grandmother, but he doesn't tune in and think, "Oh, she needs a hug" and yet, he is a loving person. He interrupts, floats into conversations he wasn't really listening to... What's more, I do everything in our family (except vacuuming--leave it to me and it won't get done--and laundry--my husband has this thing about separating clothes and I could care less, so he does it). Bills? I make sure they are paid. Child care? I take care of all the arrangements and conversations. Going on a trip? I plan everything, pack everything, arrange everything, checklist everything (including my husband's list), load the car, keep track of the money, etc. Dog needs medicine refilled or more food? My husband doles out the medicine in the morning. If I forgot to check on how much was left, it might be two weeks before he tells me the pill bottle is empty. I've got to work late and our son needs to eat? If I don't leave instructions on what to do, they eat cheese and deli meat.

Decisions to be made on where to go, what to do and how to get there? Maintenance in the apartment? Furniture to put together? Doctor's appointments to make?  EVERYTHING? I do it all. It's not that my husband won't (although I did believe that for a long time), it's that he can't. He literally cannot plan a trip or deal with small details like bill-paying. So I do most of what needs to be done to keep our life in order. Oh, and I also work a full-time job that, many weeks, requires more hours  than my husband's does.

I get really annoyed. No, I get really, really, really annoyed. It's like I have two kids, plus a job, plus, plus, plus, plus. So, very selfishly, I want the medicine (and the accompanying coping techniques the book and doctor offer up) to work. And fast. I'm kinda tired of doing it all. I want to be supportive. But I want to be less responsible, too. I long imagined that my husband did more around the house and family-wise than a lot of husbands. But I realized that I've sugar-coated it. He does what he can, and without being able to focus, it's haphazard, half-done and inconsistent. Somehow, I've compensated for it and appreciated the effort more than I should have. But it wasn't until the flip switched that my eyes opened and I saw it all clearly. (Disclaimer: since most of this note is about the negatives, I feel I must tell you that he's not like this all the time... and my husband is one of the most caring people I know... it's at odds with the ADD traits.)

I'm curious to know if any of you have a spouse with ADD--or if you have ADD yourself. How do you cope? How do you maintain a supportive role AND keep from feeling annoyed and resentful about being the do-it-all person in your family?  How do you help your spouse (or yourself) connect better with your children?

When it all feels like too much...

by Jennifer

It's been a while since I've been able to post... for good reason. First off, my big project of the year is in full swing. I've barely been able to take a break. I've worked dozens of late nights in the last five weeks, I've traveled last-minute to places I've never heard of (and arranged extra help for my husband while I was gone), I've thrice broken my rule of not missing putting my son to bed more than one weeknight a week, I've hosted my 21-year-old niece and her boyfriend, I've been dealing with a stressed-out husband (also in his busy time) and to top it off, it's been one of those rough patches in marriage that you try to hold you breath and get through but can't help but wonder if it is far more serious than that.

So, I've been a little extra busy. The fallout has not been pretty. First off, I don't recommend hosting 21-year-olds if you only have a pull-out couch or if you appreciate your sleep. But that's another story.

What I really want to talk about is that feeling of not being able to handle one more thing--or even the things already on your plate. Coming home at strange times and traveling more than usual only made my son more cranky and heightened his need to have his pacifier nearby. And while I feel bad and sad about that, I really liked the travel and the crazy work. It was kind of thrilling and the work has been really interesting and satisfying. I've been a little bored sometimes moving from a daily newspaper to a monthly magazine, but this has been like the old days--nonstop stuff to do, and interesting stuff at that. I hate that my professional highlight comes at the expense of my son's sense of order and mommy-is-always-here-to-tuck-me-in security. And that my crazy schedule has made my son more clingy at daycare.

Then, there's my husband. I love him. I married him. I'm committed to him. But his ability to handle change to the schedule and stress in our lives is about double-negative 10 on a scale of 1-10. I've always kind of been the rational, solution-oriented one who figures out how we get through. But I couldn't this time. And since there'd been some tension before the crazy work stuff started, the stress wore on our relationship very quickly.  It's hard for me--and I'm sure it's true in many families like mine-- to sort through what's a more fundamental problem and what's just stress-related. This is the first period like this since we've had a child. I hate to say, it makes it all feel worse... mostly since we try really hard not to argue or to be tense or to bicker in front of our son.

In times like these, I find it hard to figure out what--or who--to blame, or what--or who--is right. Is it work (mine, his, both)? Is it that truly, something is wrong in our marriage that the stresses of work and life  are turned inward or is it just natural? Is it wrong that I really liked the crazy hours and travel? Should I feel guiltier about whatever damage--imagined or real--I've done to my son and our order by loving my work? Or is that the biggest load-o-crap that I've ever uttered (written)?

Work is still a bit nuts and will be for the next three weeks, although the travel is over and the late nights should be nearly over. But it's times like these, when it all feels liike too much, that I think back on those days when I was a single gal, when I could get lost in a work project without worry or break up with a boyfriend who said whatever it was that turned out to be the last straw. I wouldn't trade my family (okay, I definitely would not trade my son... and I probably would not trade my frazzled hubby). But I can't help escaping to my thoughts of those days back when it was simpler--and sometimes wishing I could have them back, low-paying job and all.

What do you do when it feels like too much? How do you keep your home/marriage a "safe harbor" in the chaos?

Waiting and waiting and waiting

by Joy

My husband and I often notice that every so often, our lives (my family as a whole) seems to drift along, like a branch floating on the water – in limbo. Like the branch, waiting for the next shift in motion, ripple or wave, our life just seems to be in a state of constant waiting. We can't move one way or another because we are waiting for something to happen.

We're in this limbo state now. I am waiting to hear back from the college I applied to early this spring for my graduate program, I am waiting for a tremendous shift in work to me as one of my teammates is leaving and a replacement is yet to be hired. I am waiting to hear back from our lawyer pending a settlement my family is due from an accident we were involved in last year.

My husband is waiting. He is waiting for his promised promotion from a year ago. He is waiting for the pain from his injuries from the aforementioned accident to subside. He is waiting for me to finish my graduate school pursuits so that he can start his. He is waiting to hear back about a job he applied to so that he can work closer to home. We wait, we wait, and we wait.

And while we wait, we tread water. Like the branch waiting for the next ripple, we wait for some action so that we can react accordingly. My problem now is I am growing impatient with waiting. I’d like to get moving on something, anything.   

Do you feel like you are always waiting for something else to happen as well?

Some Kind Of Wonderful

By Joannah

Last week a wonderful thing happened. It was Saturday night and our two little girls Tia and Zoë were fast asleep.

So my husband Chris and I talked.

It wasn’t one of those conversations where we “downloaded” all the stresses of life. And wonderful though they are, it wasn’t a conversation about our girls. It wasn’t a conversation about money, the house, work. Nor was it one of those intense conversations where we struggled to understand each other through our tiredness, confusion or pain.

It was a conversation where we just talked, relaxed, laughed and then talked some more. The pressures of life were suspended. It reminded me of when we first dated.

I get many opportunities to appreciate what I’ve got in my husband. He comes home from work exhausted, yet still scoops our children into his arms with a huge smile. He works hard and goes to college, but tries to give us his all. He encourages me in my career and makes sacrifices to make my dreams possible.

That night I got something extra special. It was more than a chance to appreciate him. I got to enjoy being with him too.

We’re all too familiar with the pressures that come with being a working mom. And we rarely feel that we are doing a good enough job! That night I realized that I have a wonderful companion for the journey. He holds my hand. He tells me I’m doing a good job when I feel like I’m a failure. He sees me, he loves me. He’s there and its some kind of wonderful. I couldn’t do it without him.

I think we all need a close companion for our journey, a partner, a sister, a friend. Someone we can appreciate, but also take the time to simply enjoy. Who is the companion in your life?

Joannah is a new "Work It" writer. Welcome!

How do you keep stress out of the house?

by Debbie

A huge component to the success of my “working mother” life is often the one that gets most overlooked. My husband. He's my rock. I have no idea how I would survive one day of my life without him…and I really admire all of you single women out there that do it every day.

He (usually) helps with everything from cleaning up dinner and toys to bathing the kids. If I ask him to do something, he does it. He is also a fabulous father to the kids, which also makes me feel good considering as a mom all I want is for my kids to be happy and grow up right. I love the fact that I know they’re getting a positive male role model in their life at all times. I look at all of the fathers that I know and he is by far the most involved and loving father that I have ever met.

However, he works too, often many more hours than I do. And there’s a lot of stress associated with his job. Lately he’s been even more stressed than usual, and he hasn’t been able to leave it at the door; meaning that I can see in his eyes that even when he’s playing trains with our son, he’s thinking about some client’s problem. My kids usually have to say “Daddy” four times before he really hears them and acknowledges them…that’s how I know his mind is off somewhere else thinking about some problem that didn’t get solved that day. And of course this couldn’t come at a worse time…I’m experiencing one of my four super-busy times of the year, so I’m super-stressed as well.

These times make me really realize what a great guy I have…because I see what my life is like “without” him (or with him physically there but not mentally). I see that I take him for granted…a lot.  I see what it’s like to do everything by myself. And I’m working really hard to turn my thinking around from “this isn’t fair, he should be helping me, they’re his kids too!” to “wow, I need to tell him how much I appreciate everything that he does around here because it really is a lot more than I ever thought. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t look at it like he’s helping me…he should be showing me appreciation for everything I do as well…we’re a team.

So now we’re at the point where we realize that we’re both stressed, and we need to figure out how to keep it out of the home. We both exercise regularly, which helps, but not enough. Any suggestions?  What do you do when you and/or your husband/Significant Other have serious stress from work that’s affecting your family?

Reformed Valentine's Day hater

by Amy S.

I used to hate Valentine's Day.

"It's a Hallmark holiday," I'd say sarcastically. Truth is - I endured an ugly break-up on Valentine's Day about 10 years ago and I never completely recovered. (By the way, that "about ten years ago" part makes me suddenly feel alarmingly old.)

Eight years ago, while I was still single, I planned a "single girl's dinner" on Valentine's Day. I cooked a homemade meal and everything. For various reasons I don't remember, none of my girlfriends could come. At the last minute, I ended up inviting the guy I'd been unofficially "dating" for a month. He joined me and I think that was the beginning of the great Valentine's Day turn-around for me.

I was engaged to that "unofficial date" by the following Valentine's Day. By then I was known in the office as "that girl who gets flowers all the time." My husband's thoughtfulness did a lot to change my opinion not just of Valentine's Day, but of romanticism in general.

As an adult, I've actually grown to enjoy Valentine's Day. I like sending cards to family and friends. I enjoy the pink and red folly - the candy in particular. And the older (and cheesier) I get, the more I see it as an opportunity...a celebration of love.

These days, Valentine's Day is squeezed in-between tax season craziness, and the demands of parenting a 4-year-old, but it's more fun than ever, thanks to Olivia. She woke up this morning and was practically bouncing off the walls. "I can't wait to celebrate Valentine's Day at school," she exclaimed, wearing her pink dress with the red hearts, and of course, pink tights. Over the weekend she had carefully written a little classroom valentine for each member of her preschool class. She then meticulously decorated bags to transport the valentines in - with stickers, stamps, and a gluestick - preschool heaven.

Our babysitting plans for tonight fell through, so we'll probably eat at Friendly's with Olivia in tow. If someone had suggested this idea of Valentine's Day to the single-me a few years ago, I would have probably been unimpressed. But truth be told, I wasn't really disappointed when we had to change our plans. It feels natural to include her - her love of the holiday makes it all the more meaningful. Funny how those romantic ideals change when kids come along.

The Valentine's Day panic

By Amy S.

Any other wives out there get a little panicked when Valentine's Day gets close? It was easier pre-child - we'd actually do something for the big day. Go to dinner, see a movie, shop at Target - you know, the "big three" of romance. But now it's "The thought that counts" and all that. We don't aim to spend much, just to say "I love you and I've bought you something that reminds me of you."

Sure. Easier said than done.

So I decided to look around online and see what was out there that might fit the bill. I am not sure I'd call these real recommendations, but they looked like legitimately cool things a husband might like:

Digital Photo Keychain ($27.99, Target - other types sold elsewhere) - A great idea for the husband  who also doubles as a Dad. He gets to add a few lovely photos of you and the kiddos. And he can change the photos anytime.

24 DVD Board Game ( lists for $24.99, amazon.com has it for $20) - This was an easy pick for me, as my husband now watches the series religiously. The game doesn't require that you actually watch the show, which is a plus since I don't. It just requires you to "identify and stop a national security threat," which let's face it, would be a piece of cake comparing to getting a toddler dressed and to school on time. So I'm in! (Follow-up: Upon reading the reviews at amazon.com, this may not be quite the good-time-in-a-box it's cracked up to be. But there's a less expensive 24 game that might be worth a try.)

PowerStation Cable Organizer - (lists for $20, sold several places) - I am cheating here, as I bought this for my husband for Christmas. It's a "docking station" basically that organizes all the junk you have to plug in and recharge on a regular basis. Between the iPod, cell phone, Palm and whatever else my husband has to plug in, the PowerStation has been a favorite gift. He plugged it in Christmas Day and set it on his desk - a sure sign that he likes it.

Fog-Free Shower Mirror ($39.99, Linens 'n Things - other types sold elsewhere) - What a nifty idea for the multi-tasking husband who prefers to shave in the shower. Then again, ask yourself if you really want a mirror in the shower.

Romantic Fortune Cookies ($28, Red Envelope) - I'm a fan of Red Envelope and love their jewelry options. But since this isn't about a gift for me, they also have some great ideas for men. The Romantic Fortune Cookies are cute and romantic, but not horribly cheesy and do not require anyone dressing up in a nightie. (Although that's always optional!)

Do you actually leave the house for Valentine's Day? (We are SO jealous.) What are some of your husband's favorite V-Day gifts?

A decade of change

By JenMarie

 

A lot can happen in ten years…

I have attended five different colleges.

I have lived in five different counties in Ohio.

I have watched my then boyfriend, now husband, graduate from college.

I have owned two houses.

I have changed jobs four times.

I have moved six times.

I have said my final goodbyes to two grandparents.

I have stood witness for my mother’s second marriage.

I have owned three different cars.

I have had long hair, short-ish hair, even longer hair and now short hair.

I have taken twelve vacations to three different countries.

I have cooked thousands of dinners.

I have washed hundreds of loads of laundry.

I have given birth twice.

I have changed more diapers than I care to estimate.

Looking back on the past ten years, through all the changes, all the happiness and pain, there has been one constant—my husband. This month we celebrate ten years together. In many ways that feels like a lifetime—my entire adult life at least—in others ways I know we are just beginning. Ten years. I have never willingly committed to anything that long!

I never imagined I would be so lucky to have such a wonderful, caring man in my life. He is everything I have ever dreamed of; he is my life, my everything. I could not imagine my world without him.

Making myself a priority

By Penny

Being a working mom is tough – we all know that. I love to work. I love my job. I love my son and my husband. These things take up basically all of my waking time. And yet, despite loving that which takes up most of my time, there are many times when I’m resentful and angry, and maybe a little depressed, that my life is not my own to live.

There are other things I want or need to do. I want to go back to guitar lessons. I want to do some gardening. (I LOVE gardening.) I’d like to read a fiction book that has over 100 pages and no pictures. But I can’t. Other things take precedence, and when I have the time (finally), all I want to do is sleep.

I think my husband is feeling much the same way. Lately our conversations center around the dearth of friends we have, how cool it would be to have a classic car to fix up, and how annoying all these new aches and pains are.

Yup, I think both of us are on the verge of genuine mid-life crises; and yet, we’re still pretty young.

So how do we get back to feeling good about our spot in life when we really MUST make things other than our personal needs a priority? We’re working on that. We just remind ourselves that we actually enjoy being together. We annoy our coworkers with tales of our son’s (mis)adventures and the various cute ways that he pronounces words. And we look forward to the day when letting our son ‘help’ us with our chores and hobbies will actually be, well, helpful.

How do you cope with the conflict between the immediate demands of work and home and the desire to indulge our personal needs and desires?

Pet peeves

By JenMarie

Let me preface this by saying I love my husband with all of my being. I don’t know what I’d do without him and don’t want to ever find out. That being said, we both do things that annoy one another.

Here's an example from last week. My husband walks into the living room and says, "Okay, I know I’m the last person you would want to hear this from, but I’ve got a big pet peeve with you!"

I thought, "A pet peeve?  With me?"

He tells me, "It really bugs me that you always leave garbage out on the counter when the trash is two steps away."    

Let me back up about a half- hour and give some background… It’s time to get the Sydney a snack, a bath and into bed. I spent about 10 minutes getting her to tell me what she wants to eat. She settled on the kid staple—Mac and Cheese. So, I am trying to cook her food, get her bath and bed stuff ready and figure out what we are going to eat. The food is ready so I stir that up real quick and dish some out for her. She eats, we go take a bath and get her into bed. After all that, I go in the living room and sit for all of 30 seconds before husband walks in. This puts us back to his pet peeve. Evidently, in my haste to get everything taken care of, I had forgotten to toss out the cheese packet from the mac and cheese I made.

I felt I had to list a few of MY pet peeves about him. But where to start?    Some of my pet peeves about my husband include:

- Not putting his dirty clothes IN the laundry basket in our room, but on the floor two feet away.

    - Leaving various items in pants pockets, not to mention all his pants are inside out.

   - Putting the toilet paper wherever he feels like it instead of in the basket where I keep it.

   - NEVER getting up with Sydney on the weekends.

- NEVER doing anything alone with Sydney or helping with the bedtime ritual.

And the list goes on and on and on! I choose the toilet paper one because I have not mentioned that to him before. I was very nice about it and explained it’s tough for me at night to fumble around looking for it. He agreed I had a point and said he would try to do better. It has been almost a week and I’ve yet to see it happen even once.

So, what are your biggest pet peeves?