Work It: a blog for Working Moms

Welcoming Andy

by JenMarie

Last month, on a most beautiful fall day, right smack in between his big brother and father’s birthdays, Anderson Roger was born! He was ushered into the world a couple weeks early, but still weighed in at 6 pounds 4 ounces. Andy was induced 16 days early due to precipitous labor (labor estimated to last less than 3 hours). My doctor was concerned that I would not make it to the hospital in time if I was allowed to go into labor on my own. It was a good decision as labor only lasted 2 ½ hours! What a joy it is to have another boy to bless our family! 

Andy looks quite a bit like his big sister, but we think that is mostly because they appear to have the same hair color. As for his facial features, I do see quite a difference in him compared to his siblings. Sister is almost a clone of me, in fact my family refers to her as a ‘mini-me’.  Big brother looks just like daddy, except for his blue eyes (daddy’s are brown).  It is still up for grabs who Andy looks most like, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. 

Andy has been a great baby and is absolutely adored by everyone, especially his big brother and sister who love to help in any way they can. He did have some problems with nursing in the early weeks, but he has caught on and is now doing great. I am cherishing every day with this little miracle. 

Andy’s birth was (obviously) extremely joyful, although I find myself mixed with sadness as this now completes our family. As I relish in every little moment, hold him just a little bit longer and squeeze him just a little bit tighter I am hoping time will just stop so I can keep this innocence. As each day passes, he grows a little more and as I look forward to all the ‘firsts’ he will experience, I also mourn the passing of time and realize how quickly it goes by. 

For all those mom’s with older children, was there anything special you did when yours kids where babies to remember this time or was there anything you wish you would have done? 

A playbook for playdates

By Jeni

   1. Mingle:  You may not adopt the dogma of Le Leche or approve the agenda of “Mommy & Me," but you need to mingle with other mothers. These social institutions create an environment where like-minded mothers can socialize. As far as I see it, if you are a mother and the organization is for mothers, that is like-minded enough.

   2. Kick the Tires:  Watch out for the "know it alls." Did she abruptly interrupt the Q & A portion of the childbirth education class to volunteer her experience weaning her 10-year-old son? Was she hypercritical when you mentioned that your 3-week-old daughter was waking in the middle of the night? Especially if you are a new mom (and gaining your motherly confidence), you want to watch for budding bullies and soap-box junkies.

   3.  Pen the Digits: You’ve bumped into her at church, city hall and even your salon. Chances are you have a lot to jaw about if you’re sharing the same god, the same government and the same hair stylist. This isn’t junior high, there are no cliques and no one is going to laugh at you. So go ahead, ask her if she wants to get together for Goldfish crackers and a good cup of Juicy Juice.

   4. Take a Hint:  You met at Gymboree, you exchanged numbers and now you’ve called her three times. It is unlikely that she missed your called, accidentally deleted your number or buried three grandmothers all while you were trying to contact her.

   5. Modest Mothering:  A play-date is precisely that, a date to play, not an opportunity to boost your parenting-self-esteem. Leave your homemade, wheat-germ-fortified cookies and video of your three-year-old’s soccer game at home.

   6. Avoid Parenting Politics: Stay-at-home versus working, breast versus bottle, home versus public school; all of these conversations are heated. Discussing controversial topics could put your relationship on the fast-track to the diaper pail.

   7. Fantasy Friendships: Don’t waste your time investing in a mommy that does not know the name and approximate age of your child. A friendship is built on genuine interest.

   8. No Sex-Talk:  Refrain from discussing your sex-life, or lack thereof, with mommy-friends. It’s rare that mothers want to have sex, let alone talk about the sex. Save sex conversations for your kidless friends. This way they know exactly how children affect one's life when they assert, “parenting can't be that hard."

   9. More Than Mommy: Long before the midnight feedings, contractions and morning sickness, you were an individual with spare time and disposable income. Talk about the types of things you liked to do before the sweatpants and stretch marks. In your past life, she might of enjoyed spending aforementioned spare time and disposable income similarly. Remember your life before your adorable child sucked it out of you.

  10. Be Yourself: Your mother told you this when she was planning YOUR playdates. BE. YOURSELF.  Don’t fill newbie moms up with phony stories. Let your love of Star Wars, your deep desire for knitting and your fascination with Britney Spears flow. It’s the life we lead in-between playdates that makes the most fascinating mommy-talk. 

The second time around, part two

By Megan

I guess it's been a while since you heard from me. My last blog was written in the wee hours of the morning due to a case of insomnia. I can tell you that some things about this pregnancy haven't changed at all. It's 6:00 a.m. on Saturday and I find myself sitting at the computer. I cannot sleep because I am unable to find a position that is comfortable for more than a couple of hours. Most days - by morning, I am aching all over. This morning, on top of it all, baby Fontaine has a serious case of the hiccups. So, once again, insomnia has left me with quiet un-interrupted time on my hands to write. (Hope it won't be another three months before you hear from me again.)

Today I am contemplating if we are ready to welcome baby #2. Everything from the practical (I've got to have the hospital bag ready by August 1!) to the more cerebral and emotional. And I am thinking of our readiness as individuals - myself, my daughter and my husband.

For myself, I can only say that I am ready to be done with this pregnancy and meet my new child. (The second time around is no picnic!) I want my body back, and I won't lie - I am looking forward to the day when I can have three beers and a fat, mayo-laden chunk white Albacore tuna sandwich. I seriously miss my weekends - unwinding with a drink (or 2 or 3) on Friday and having a beer with lunch every Saturday and Sunday. (My refrigerator is still stocked with the beer I had the day I found out I was pregnant. Good thing beer doesn't spoil easily. Thank you to that soul who refined the bottling process to such a degree.)

On the other hand, I worry so much about....well......everything. Isn't that one of the primary duties of parenthood - worrying? First, will the baby be healthy? Will the birth be easy? What trials and challenges with this child face? What physical injuries will this child endure? What emotional scars with this child have to overcome? Can I possibly love my second child as much as I love my first? Do I have enough love for two? What will I do differently this time around? How will I juggle a career and two children? How will we afford this growing family? How will I take my 8-week-old baby to daycare and go back to work? How? What? Why? The questions and worries are endless.......although there is some comfort in knowing they are normal. One day, one moment at a time - one of my many mantras.

As for my daughter, she has the same worries any kid would have. "Will you still love me the same? Will I still be special?" I have no idea how will she handle sharing the limelight with her sibling. She certainly seems excited. She is such a sweet and considerate child, and I am so worried that this monumental event in her life will have a profound effect on her personality. It breaks my heart to think that she might experience half a second when she feels less important, ignored, forgotten.

She was my first. There will never be another like her. I have solicited much advice on how to ensure she doesn't feel neglected. (Have been meaning to buy a book on the subject but never made it that far and, let's face it, I don't have time to read! HA!) I have certainly emphasized repeatedly how important her role is in all this. I have assured her that I will still love her just as much. I think the best advice someone gave me was just a healthy dose of reality - my first daughter is more than likely going to have some issues after the birth of her baby sister. There is very little chance she will make the transition from only child to first child with no bumps in the road. She is bound to have some insecurities. And it's our job as her parents to be there for her as she experiences them and guide her to the brighter side, help her find the rewards and the positives. One day, one moment at a time.

Then, there is my husband, the one perpetually calm and upbeat person who truly does take life one moment at a time. The man who has lived through nine months of very little sex, a lot of "do this.....do that", many sleepless nights (due to my tossing and turning) and much complaining (as we near the end of this pregnancy). He is the mountain in this family. If he has worries, he doesn't voice them and I am left feeling terrible for not probing him about them. Maybe he would like to talk about them but can't get a word (or complaint) in edgewise! (It's very likely.) I am at a loss as to what I would do without his patience and understanding and the healthy dose of laughter he brings out in me every single day. He is the high point of each day for me. There is no way I could have made it this far without him. How in the hell did I snag this man?

Overall, I guess we are the picture of a typical family expecting their second child. I think I just need reassurance, lots of advice and......to relax......take it one day at a time. So please......any good advice on making the transition from one child to two is very welcome!

Finding peace of mind

By Megan

I set the pace and the mood these days, and I am living in a sea of satisfaction and control. I am keenly aware that I mold every moment, and I am determined to make each one a success. So often I struggle to find balance, so I must relish this time when my brain is able to absorb all the "to dos" and sort them into the "must" pile and the "later - so I can enjoy the best of today" pile.

Seems like these periods of complete sanity come in waves. Next week, I could be swimming with the sharks again. I will desperately try to recapture the repose of this week and only end up marveling at its fleeting reality. Why can't I hold onto this peace for the long haul? I only wish it were as simple as taking my vitamin every day. A healthy state of mind is a priceless thing and somehow mine sets the bar for my loved ones. (Or could it be they are constantly tip-toeing around me and my moods? I will not let this healthy state of mind be dragged down by such thoughts. I am the mother - isn't it right that this home revolves around me? After all - I am the glue!) My family and my home have fallen right into this beautiful balance.

Today I have been thinking if there is anything in particular to which I can attribute my new-found peace of mind. I can't help recalling a conversation with my daughter a couple of weeks ago. Within a span of 10 minutes, she must have asked me three times, "Mommy, are you okay? Are you happy?"

Finally, I asked why she was inquiring. "'Cause I don't see your smile, mom," she replied. Good point, I thought. My five-year-old reminded me how important it is to show our happiness - so our loved ones KNOW how happy we are AND to be more acutely aware of it ourselves. I want to feel the joy in my life. There is so much joy to be had here.

Maybe this contentment and balance I feel can be attributed to this pregnancy. Maybe the glow of pregnancy has crept into the corridors of my brain and spread optimism, acceptance and peace. Maybe I am carrying a child with just these qualities. Whatever the cause, I pray its presence is a prolonged one. I like this house guest.

"Let us, then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor, and to wait."
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Psalm of Life

The second time around

By Megan

In the wee hours of this Saturday morning, I am suddenly inspired to write! I have been waiting for this. At last, I find myself sitting in front of the computer, madly typing a stream of free-flowing thoughts (about something other than groceries, bills or work.) Okay........maybe it's more a case of insomnia than inspiration. (It is 4am!)

Insomnia seems to be one of the side effects of my second pregnancy. (I am quickly learning how true it is that every pregnancy is different. I knew that first one was too good to be true.) And, as I embark upon the next level of parenthood, I am filled with inspiration (truly this time!), joy, fear and doubt - mostly doubt......about myself as a parent. Trust me when I say - I am thrilled about having a second child. It's something I have wanted for some time, but - GOSH - why are we always struck by our fears just when we get what we want? Just more proof that we are our own worst enemy, I guess.

Suddenly I find myself dissecting the personality and behavior of my five-year-old. And, I have to say, I feel kinda cruel doing it; but that certainly won't stop me. At the root, this is clearly research, right? An objective look at my own parenting skills?

I keep asking myself those fundamental questions. Is my daughter the child I said I would raise? Is she well behaved? Is she respectful and responsible? Is she confident? (Isn't her confidence inherently linked to mine?) Is she kind? Is she smart? Is she independent or adventurous? Is she spiritual? Is she helpful and polite? Does she trust in and feel secure with her mom and dad?

Ultimately, the answers to ALL of these questions is a direct reflection on me - on us as parents, right? And yet, I don't have a clue what those answers are. I mean - she IS only five years old; and, with your first child, you're not sure what is "typical" behavior. It will be at least a couple more years before it's evident if the lessons I am trying to teach are effective, right?

I have certainly determined those things I think are most important to instill in her - respect, responsibility, confidence and kindness. Geez, those are the biggest and most difficult of them all. Why did I pick those? Why can't I be happy with a confident and independent child? With those characteristics, I wouldn't have to worry so much about her. Maybe I should just strive for those and be happy if anything else blossoms alongside. I just don't know what to do and that scares me a little - especially with the second one on the way.

I think I know the things I have done well so that's a start. My daughter is certainly a kind child. I think she is well on her way to being a polite and well-behaved woman (although there is the flicker of rebellion in those eyes that scares me). I feel sure that being honest with her - no matter how tough - is the right road. I think she will grow up understanding and accepting the world far better than her mother and always trust her parents to be straight with her. That is very important to me. The rest - who the hell knows? I wonder - how much of our efforts as parents are lost to genetics and the state of the world in which we live?

I can't really begin to say what I am going to do differently with my second child. Mostly, I have hope. I hope that we are making the right choices, that the good times will continue and better will come. I hope that the mad dash from home - to school - to work - to home - to the dinner tabe - to the bath - to bedtime - to "down time" is a fruitful life, part of the journey to a better me and a better us.

Of china cabinets and babies

By Coletta

If I had to give an analogy for the past year of my life I would liken it to watching someone take all of the dishes, glasses and vases out of my china cabinet and scatter them randomly throughout my house -- and then tell me to put it all back together.

This time last year my husband and I had just moved from Ohio back to the east coast in Maryland to an unfamiliar town. My husband started a brand new job with a lot of travel, and I gave birth to our beautiful son, Morgan. My whole life changed. I've been trying so hard to put all of the "pieces" back the way they were -- but I know that things will never be exactly the same again.

Some things in my life have been easier since the move/baby; I live closer now to most of my friends and my family, and that has been such a relief. But most pieces of my life were much harder to put back after the baby. I became a stay-at-home mother by default (no job in Maryland to return to after a maternity leave). My husband was gone several days a week for the first six months of Morgan's life. It took some time for my husband and me to recover from being apart so much during this crucial time, and for this piece of my life to feel secure again.

The week that I got the offer for my current job was one of the more stressful weeks of my life. My son was sick, it was the Jewish New Year, my sister-in-law had just had a baby, my husband's birthday had come and gone without any celebration and in-laws invited themselves to stay in my home. Through all this I can still remember the surge of relief upon hearing my boss give me the job offer over the phone. I felt as though the last piece of my china had been found...it was under the couch and dusty and would take me a week to polish it but my life was complete again. I was happy.

I know that the 'china cabinet of my life' looks a lot different today than it did a year ago, but I seem to finally have things where I want them -- for now.

Back to the grindstone

By JenMarie

I started back to work this past Monday.  Much to my surprise, it was not nearly as difficult this time around.  I have been wondering why the difference, I think a number of things contributed to the change in how I felt.

Last time, I felt incredibly betrayed by my employer.  It was agreed before I went on maternity leave that I would only be returning part time. More specifically, I was to work three days in the office and a fourth day from home for a total of 32 hours a week. Two weeks before I was to return, I got a call from my boss telling me that our team was being re-assigned to a new manager. This new manager refused to honor the agreement the other boss and I had; I was given the choice of returning full time (in the office all the time) or not at all. It was a big mess and caused a lot of resentment on my part. 

Another issue I dealt with last time, in addition to the wild hormonal swings, was the knowledge that if we really wanted to, I could have stayed home. I resented my husband for quite a while for that one. I felt he was not respecting how I was feeling and what I wanted. We talked through it and slowly, I came back to my senses and realized I would need to continue to work if we wanted to be able to give our children the extras in life and maintain a sense of sanity for myself. 

Now I have an employer that respects the boundaries between work and family. I work out of the house completely, so just not having to go into an office makes a huge difference. My day is flexible, so I can manage family events around my work schedule. Best of all my employer has made it clear that family comes first and work can fit in around it. 

In addition, we are just days away from moving into our dream house. This would not have been possible had I stopped working after

Sydney

was born. It may seem petty, but because I continue to work, we are able to move to an area where our children will have many, many more opportunities. 

I have come to love being a working mother. I love that I can use my skills as a mom to better juggle the demands of my job. I love that I can contribute to something outside of the home. I especially love that I can be a good example to my daughter, showing her that yes you CAN be a working mother—and be successful at it!

How did YOU handle returning to the workforce after baby AND (if you have multiple children) did you find it easier to go back the second (or 3^rd, etc) time around?

New mom of two

By JenMarie

Jackson Jay was born into the world on October 10, 2005 at 4:12 pm ET, after a four hour (induced) labor. He is perfect in every way! Of course we have tons of pictures, if anyone is interested just leave a comment or send me an email, I will send the link to our album.

Life as a mom of two is going well, so far at least. I haven’t been as disorganized as I expected, I feel much more in control than I did after having Sydney. I also (physically) feel so much better than last time. Labor went much more smoothly, let me just say that being induced—at least for me—is WAY better than waiting around for it to happen.

The doctor gave me the option of inducing on Monday or waiting on until that Friday, I opted to get the show on the road Monday. I checked into the hospital around 11 a.m., they started pitocin around noon and out he flew at 4:12. Won’t go into details, but daddy nearly missed the big event, no one thought I would go that fast.

Big Sister Sydney is loving her new role, she just adores Jackson. She tells me, "I love him mommy, I just love him!"

She wants to hold him ALL the time and is constantly giving him kisses. I know I need to cherish these moments, soon enough he will be mobile and grabbing her stuff. I expect the jealousy will set in at that point. Right now we are all in that honeymoon period with him, I don’t even mind that I’m getting about 4 hours sleep a night! Jack has his days and nights mixed up still, but we are working on that.

I will be taking six weeks off of work, which will put me back just after Thanksgiving. Luckily, working from home I can still keep him with me, at least until he gets more active. I am sure things will get more hectic when I am back at work, but I’m enjoying my time off now.

New baby nerves

By JenMarie

I still cannot believe I am just days away (due October 12) from delivering baby #2!

In many ways this pregnancy has been much more difficult. I had moderate bleeding early on, my doctor even brought up the possibility of a miscarriage. I was terrified. Thankfully, all resolved itself by week 12 and I haven’t had a problem since. I have felt more aches and pains than before, especially in my back.

I feel much more tired, but then again I am chasing around a 2.5-year-old now in addition to working full time and doing the day to day house stuff. On the flip side, this pregnancy has gone by much faster than the first and I have a good idea on what to expect (most of the time).

   

I am not nearly as prepared this time as I was with Syd. I get exhausted just thinking about it all! Since we will be moving about 2 months after this baby is born, I have no nursery to set up. I do still need to unpack and/or wash everything we already own (bassinet, bedding, clothes, etc). I did buy a couple packs of diapers, some unisex sleepers/gowns and some new snap front shirts (love those!). I do still need to get a new bouncer and Boppy pillow. We actually went to ‘that big baby superstore’ the other week to pick up new baby supplies but my husband said we should wait to buy those "In case someone might want to buy them for us."

Ummm, okay. "Whatever you say sweetheart."

He just hates parting with money, period. If he can delay buying it for two to three weeks he will.

 

In many ways I am more nervous now than I was before. I think it’s because I am more fully aware of all the things that ‘could’ go wrong. I have felt a LOT more Braxton Hicks contractions this time around, which has me hoping I might possibly go into labor early. Yeah I know, wishful thinking.

I went to the doctor this past Monday. They did an ultrasound to determine size. They estimate the baby to weigh 5 pounds 11 ounces, exactly what they said about Syd (she was 6 lb.s 11oz. at birth). I’m thinking this baby will probably be about the same size as her, which is good. The midwife said the baby is VERY, VERY low.

She said, "I’ve never actually said this before, but I think you will not make it to your due date!" 

By my next posting I will have another baby. Wow! Holy cow, how did that happen so fast?

Any advice for a soon to be mom of two?

Cha-Cha-Changes

By JenMarie

Lots of changes around our household in the last two months...

I started a new job recently. It was a very difficult decision to make, somewhat a "leap of faith" for me. I had been at my old company for seven years and was feeling quite comfortable. Unfortunately, I was also extremely unhappy and longing for a new challenge. A unique opportunity began to develop in mid-March and on the 25th I decided to take the leap and resign. By the following Wednesday I had accepted a new offer. Not only does my new job offer me the opportunity for new challenges, but I am working remotely full time AND secured a 25% raise! I cannot even describe how happy I am now. My stress level has dropped dramatically and I am actually excited about work again.

Secondly and most significant, we are very pleased to announce that baby #2 is on the way, due October 12. I had some severe early complications and the doctor was not at all sure of the viability. He recommended I wait until 16 weeks to announce to others. I can now happily say I am 19 weeks and doing great. I go in for the big ultrasound on June 1, although we’ve decided to NOT find out the sex. Work is absolutely thrilled about this, which confirmed to me I made the right decision.

The last piece of news is slowly developing. We have started the process of looking for land/a new home builder. We started looking to move a couple months ago, just trying to see what was out there. Everything we looked at in our price range needed serious remodeling and I REFUSE to do that again—we just remodeled our current house a year ago. We then did some calculations and realized we could build a house for less than we could buy the equivalent. Luckily, the area we are looking in has lots of land for sale. So, if anyone out there has built a house I would love any suggestions or tips you may have.